Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat says, “You know there has been a Billion stolen from a vault in London, don’t you?” Nick answers “No Pat, I didn’t know. Who did it?” Pat says “The police think it was an Irish gang.” Nick asks, “Why is that Pat?” Pat replies “The gang took the rubber bands and left the cash.”

John lives alone in a rough housing estate in Brixton, where he slams windows shut at night, just in case someone grabs his hand.

What does Santa give to West of Ireland bachelors? Women in stockings.

Why is Santa Claus Irish? Santa is Irish because the Irish always do things backwards and he says “Oh! Oh! Oh!” when he gets stuck in chimneys.

What does a divorce in Ireland usually involve? Drink!

What is the Hippocratic Oath? A big mouthed uncouth animal. The breaking of the Hippocratic Oath is when the Hippo is put behind bars for lying and mucking about.

John is working on a building site for a new Dental Surgery. The foreman asks “There are tools around the back of the shed, take a pick.” John returns to the Foreman and says “Couldn’t find a pick, will some floss do?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “What’s a Kangaroo?” Nick replies “I don’t know. What does he do?”

Pat and Nick are driving around Dublin, when Pat asks “What is a Zebra crossing?” Nick replies “Is it a river?”

Why do the British love to gossip? Because it’s the only full-time job you can do on the dole.

John decides to be an astronaut and he is the first Brit on Mars. He makes a few small steps for Englishmen and encounters some other Mars inhabitants dressed in black suits and shades. John asks “Who are you?” The leader of the strange group answers “We’re the British Security Services.” John inquires “What in Heavens name are you doing on Mars?” The leader answers “Protecting freedom and democracy.” John says “But there isn’t any.” The leader replies “We know but we’re still looking for it, somewhere in the Universe.”

Pat is going to the Philippines on holiday and he asks Nick to paint his caravan. Two weeks later and Pat returns home. Pat asks “Did you paint my caravan?” Nick replies “I couldn’t find your car and van, so I painted your bicycle red instead.”

Why is it always raining in Ireland? So the Irish have a good excuse to go to church but the Irish never need an excuse to go to a pub.

A man walks into a pub and cannot stop laughing. The man is laughing constantly for over an hour. Pat asks the Landlord, “Why is he so happy?” The Landlord replies, “Oh, I told him the funniest joke in Ireland.” Pat inquires, “What was it?” The Landlord answers, “An Irishman walks out of a pub and into a church.”

Nick is waiting on the phone to speak to a customer adviser. A recorded message says, “Hello and welcome to the Tesco customer support service. Press 1 for sales, press 2 for returns, press 3 for technical support, press 4 for household items and press 5 for online shopping.” Twenty minutes later, the answering machine says, “Sorry this line is closed today and you have used up all of your mobile credits.”

What do the Irish worry the most about? A pub with no beer. What do the English worry the most about? A pub with no cheese and onion crisps.

An English writer is distressed by someone hacking into his computer and changing the content of his books. So, he calls the Cyber crime police to complain and a policeman replies, “That’s a horrid, evil, nasty hacker and we will take all the necessary action to keep you safe and we will find this criminal. Thank you for raising this complaint and by the way, my team didn’t know you could do that with a woman and a dog.”

John walks into a post office in Surrey and asks an elderly pensioner, “Why are the staff so miserable?” The old lady replies, “They are waiting for their first customer since opening.” John asks, “Since this morning?” The elderly woman answers, “No dear, since they opened in 1962.

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Nick says, “I met two beautiful young women yesterday called Sonia and Tracy, and both of them want to date me. I didn’t sleep a wink last night because I can’t stop thinking of having sex with one of them.” Pat inquires”Insomnia?” Nick replies “No, Tracy.”

John walks into a bookshop, he sighs, and a silver-haired old lady asks, “That was a terrible sigh. What’s your problem?” John replies “Somebody I know keeps patronising.” The old lady says, “Don’t be silly, it’s all in your mind. You need to see a psychiatrist.” John answers, “I am a psychiatrist and I just can’t stop patronising. What’s your problem, my old dear?”

Nick calls a number and he says, “Hello Samaritans, I feel so depressed about what I’ve done and I want to confess to you that today I spanked my son, slapped my partner and broke a bottle over a protestant in a barroom fight. I feel I need to be punished, as I feel so guilty and ashamed of what I’ve done.” A very authoritarian, harsh voice replies “Thank you for reporting these crimes to Crime stoppers. We’ll find the offender, whoever he might be. Can you give a good description of yourself? Once we know who the culprit is we’ll offer you a reward of 1000 euros.”

Pat is visiting Nick’s home for a few beers. Then, a few moments later Pat hears a terrible hissing “What in Heaven’s name was that?” Nick answers “Oh, don’t worry it is only Lynne, I locked her in the laundry basket with my knickers. She hit me with a saucepan, after I came home drunk.” Pat asks “When are you going to let Lynne out?” Nick answers “Next year, when I need to change my knickers.”