Why do squirrels enjoy sunbathing? They love roasted nuts.

Why is Pete a bloody, awkward sod in Ireland? Because he’s a bent sod who gets stuck up your bloody arse.

The Chinese have adopted a Monarch and he is called the Wan King. He comes in the night like the Secret Police.

What do British gays call a gang bang? A Guy Fawk night.

What do you call a Gay sex addict who loves fishing? A man who loves dangling his cock on Plenty Of Faggots.

What do policewomen wear under their caps? A clit. So, they never get pregnant on duty.

What did Master Bates love most about his ship? A strong anchor with lots of seamen.

James and John walk into a Soho bar and James asks the bargirl “Two Fcuks, woman?” She replies “How are you spelling that?” James says “F-c-u-k-p.” The girl replies “Get the P off. The Fcuks off too!”

Nick is in a restaurant and he asks the waitress “Can I have a QUICH-E?” She says “Is that with French dressing and cream?”

Who are the tastiest and hottest blacks? Hot Chocolate.

James and John are sitting in an M5 Service Station cafe. John says “Look at the guy with the blonde woman, he’s gasping for air!” James replies “Oh, he’s had EM-PHY-SEMA.” John says “I’m not surprised if he has sex on the motorway!”

Nick is visiting his doctor. Nick asks “Doctor, I keep thinking murder-suicidal” The GP replies “That’s grand. You can murder my nagging wife, she is always suicidal.”

What best gift can you give a woman on her 100th birthday? A new pussy.

Why do women enjoy men playing with their pussies? They love to have a FELIX.

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “How is Michael these days?” Nick replies “Oh, it’s really awful. He was suicidally depressed with Manic-Depression, so he travelled to a remote field, and lay on the ground with bottles of Guinness and some pills.” Pat says “That’s truly awful. So, he’s dead then?” Nick replies “No, not at all. He was found by the police naked, and manically singing and dancing around the sheep!”

A Liverpool football player is stark naked in the shower room when he spies a big man with an eye patch and a huge erection in his trousers. The football player asks “Eh perv, why are you staring at my balls?” The big man replies “I’m Dickon the secret talent agent and I’m just keeping an eye on your Reds.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “I’m taking my partner today to see the new James Bond film.” Pat replies “That’s fantastic. Did you know that Pussy Galore was in James Bond?” Nick says “Pussy Galore loved Gold fingering.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “Pat, I am starting work in behaviour mentoring, at a Dublin prison tomorrow.” Pat replies “Mentoring? I didn’t know they still tortured prisoners’ genitals. I preferred my finger nails being extracted as an alter-boy, when I stole the priest’s wine.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “Did you know that Sputnik is flying to Venus today? You did.” Nick replies “What in Heaven’s name is Sputnik?” Pat replies “I think it’s the Irish word for Cum Nick.”

Who was Molly Mallone? She was an old Dublin fisherman’s wife, who used to sell her fishy fanny, with crabs, to boxers with muscles and cock alls.

Why do the Irish always wank with their left hand? So, they can have an extra creamy Guinness in their right hand! Why do the British always wank with their right hand? So, they can nibble their nuts at the same time.

John is in bed having intercourse with his girlfriend, Jane. John moans “Oh, my lovely Jane, I’ve cum in your fanny. Ah, can you feel it?” Jane has an orgasm and says “Oh, John. That was beautiful. I can feel your load of load of cum in me. You had better visit the bathroom.” John replies “No Jane. I’ve already had a piss in your fanny.”

What would you expect to find in “communist” China shops? Lots of smashing and wrecking by a load of horny Bulls talking Bullocks.

How does the Irish Flagellation Society raise money? They have a whip-round. How do they spend their money? On lashings of Blue Nuns, and they don’t get pissed. It’s only a warm-up for getting drunk on the Guinness.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland? Because Joseph couldn’t find three kings, three wise men or a virgin. However, he did find 3 million shepherds wearing wellies, who were enjoying sheep dipping.

Nick is sitting on a public toilet in Dublin and a man’s head appears from under the partition. Nick shouts angrily “Who are you? You filthy pervert!” The man replies “I’m from the Security Services and I am following all your movements.”

A man walks into a pub and cannot stop laughing. The man is laughing constantly for over an hour. Pat asks the Landlord, “Why is he so happy?” The Landlord replies, “Oh, I told him the funniest joke in Ireland.” Pat inquires, “What was it?” The Landlord answers, “An Irishman walks out of a pub and into a church.”

Nick is waiting on the phone to speak to a customer adviser. A recorded message says, “Hello and welcome to the Tesco customer support service. Press 1 for sales, press 2 for returns, press 3 for technical support, press 4 for household items and press 5 for online shopping.” Twenty minutes later, the answering machine says, “Sorry this line is closed today and you have used up all of your mobile credits.”

What do the Irish worry the most about? A pub with no beer. What do the English worry the most about? A pub with no cheese and onion crisps.

Nick is speeding along the Cork to Dublin motorway, when a police car stops him. The officer asks “You do realise you were breaking the speed limit?” Nick replies “Why? You were going faster than me.” The officer passes a bag to Nick and asks him to blow into it. Nick says “How did you know it was my birthday?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Nick asks “Who is your favorite composer?” Pat replies “Oh, that’s very simple, it’s Mozart.” Nick inquires “Why that mighty head?” Pat answers “Because his music makes Alpha waves.” Nick says “Can he make Zeta waves?” Pat is curious “Why Zeta?” Nick declares “‘Cos she is the sexiest girl in my office, that I want to spank, but she never reacts to my Beta waves!”

Michael is visiting his doctor and he asks “Doctor, I am a Leprechaun with green skin, green clothes, a pipe and a tall green hat.” The doctor replies “You are insane.” Michael says “Is that two words? It’s grand to know that I am sane.” The doctor answers “You’re a chronic paranoid schizophrenic. Take these Marzipam tablets, twice a day, starting today.” Michael declares “That’s fantastic, doctor. I only have to take them for one day.” The doctor shouts “Send in the next Leprechaun!”

Pete and Michael are in a beer garden. A young lady sits opposite them and inquires “Hi, my name is Dicken. Who are you?” Pete says “I’m Pete and this is my partner Michael.” Dicken adds “What do you do?” Pete replies “I’m a writer.” Dicken inquires “Do you use swear words?” Pete declares “Not at all. It’s a mortal sin. I don’t wish to offend women” Dicken says “Then You’re a hypocrite.” Pete answers angrily “Well, fuck you, you cunt!” Dicken says “You can’t, you’re queer!”

In Britain, you can drink beer in a pub if you’re over 18 years. In Ireland you can drink beer in a bar if you’re over 5 years and can pass an IQ test: spell Old Mac Donald’s Farm: E-I-E-I-O.

What do you call an English comedian who has orange tanned skin, and spends all of his time sitting in the garden? Just a Carrot.

Mary is walking through Dublin to the biscuit factory, where she works. A car pulls up beside her and a parish priest appears. The priest inquires “Where are you going at this hour of the morning?” Mary answers “I’m going to work, Father.” The priest says “Would you like a good ride my dear?” Mary replies “Oh No, Father. I’m going to work and I’m not on the pill.”

Why do Security Service cranks spend all day in the pub, self-medicating on Whisky? It’s because it is cheaper than a Lobotomy.

An Irishman walks out of a betting office and goes home – to the pub.

Nick is downing pints in the bar with his mate Pete. He asks Pete “Where is the Milky Way?” Pete replies “Up near Uranus and a black hole.”

John and James are in a London pub. John asks “What is a chronic paranoid schizophrenic?” James replies “Why? Who told you to ask me that? Was it the Fuhrer again?”

Pat asks Nick “What are the Catholics’ favourite fruit?” Nick says “Granny Smith apples because they’re green.” Pat continues “And what are the Protestants’ favourites?” Nick answers “Orange Cox’s because they’re red.”

Why do Chinese men prefer British white women to black women? It’s because they don’t like British black pussies.

Pat and Nick are killing pints in the pub and Nick says “I’m thinking of visiting Spain.” Pat replies “My wife and I went there last Summer. The white sandy beaches are fantastic, and the plastic paddy bars are a great craic. To tell you the truth what tops it all are the Senoritas, they’re all sex-crazy when they’ve Senor Willy.”

A Turkish man walks into a Dublin pub and the Landlord asks “Where are you from?” The Turk replies “I’ve just come in a filthy, dirty place called Ank-ara.” The Landlord says “You little pervert. Is that what you were doing in my bog?” The Turk replies “I thought Peat was in your bog.” The Landlord declares “No, I keep Pete in my bedroom.”

Nick is downloading porn on his laptop and he is aware that the camera is taking pictures of him every ten minutes. Nick shouts to his partner “Hey Nancy the Security Services are watching and filming me through the computer!” Nancy replies “No, you idiot, you’re live on Big Brother TV, and when you’re done you can scrub my pair of pink knickers!”

What’s the difference between Greece and Turkey? One eats pigs and the other ‘ate Greece.

A man with a shotgun walks into a Boston bar and says to the barman “Give me all your loot dude or you’re dead.” The barman replies “No, I’m not giving you nothing, punk.” The angry gunman says “Look dude, I’ll blow your fucking head off!” The barman replies “Listen, man, can you jerk me off when you’ve done the blow job? Would you like a drink while you wait?”

Michael can’t stop laughing. He decides to go to a house party. He introduces himself to all the party-goers, and is laughing non-stop. He laughs at a priest who says his name is Father Dick Cocking. Then he laughs at a couple called Mr Willy and Mrs Fanny Gotobed, and then he meets Santa Claus. He asks. “What’s your name?” Santa says “Master Bates. Ho, Ho!” Michael asks “Do you do that alone or with your old dear? Ho, Ho!”, and then Santa offers him some party punch. Michael leaves with two broken rib ticklers and a belly ache.

John and Janet are in a Tooting pub and Janet says “Oh, I can’t wait for our holiday together in sunny Afghanistan. I know the Afghans are great fans of Corrie and Eastenders. You know we can watch the soaps out there.” John replies “No Janet, you can’t. It’s the telly ban.”

A suicidal man at Clapham Junction is about to throw himself in front of an express train when a kindly man shouts to him “Hey mate! Please don’t do it. I beg you not to do it. You will break my heart and I would have terrible nightmares for the rest of my life.” The suicidal man replies “I’m going to kill myself because I have no friends or family and my miserable life is not worth living.” The man says “You can’t!” The suicidal man asks “Why?” The kind man replies “‘Cos my job is to wash the bloody express trains!”