© Francis R Sturt 2021

New Adult Jokes Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Or Your Tonsils Back!

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Original jokes created and crafted by Francis R Sturt during the Pandemic.

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Pat and Nick are driving around the Dublin mountains and Nick says “Can you not pull into that car park? I need a pee.” Pat stops the car and says “There’s one of those Unisex toilets by the lamp post, and you’ll need to pay fifty cents.” Nick points to a parking sign by the toilet “No, you’re wrong there Pat. It says “P FREE”

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Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “Did you know I’m off for my vaccine at the clinic today? You did.” Pat replies “Oh, that’s a very, very dangerous thing.” Nick says in surprise “Why’s that Pat?” Pat answers “It’s much worse than Corona itself.” Nick says “Oh, don’t be daft Pat. How can a little prick by Doctor Murphy be worse?” Pat replies “That’s because with Corona you die coughing but with the prick, you die choking!”

Why do the Irish always wank with their left hand? So, they can have an extra creamy Guinness in their right hand! Why do the British always wank with their right hand? So, they can nibble their nuts at the same time.

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “I’m very worried about our new kitten.” Pat asks “Why’s that Nick?” Nick replies “He’s our tenth kitten and he is one of those in ten.” Pat asks “Why? Is the cat Gay?” Nick replies “No, don’t be daft, Pat. It’s just that nine out of ten cats prefer “Whiskas” and we can’t afford that crap.” Pat asks “What do you feed him on?” Nick says “Times are hard. We feed him on our budgies.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “I’m taking my partner today to see the new James Bond film.” Pat replies “That’s fantastic. Did you know that Pussy Galore was in James Bond?” Nick thinks, it happens, and says “So, she was a Transsexual then or did she use the Gold finger?” Pat replies “No, you thick idiot. Miss Money Penny had pussy galore.”

Nick is visiting Dr Murphy at his clinic. Nick says “Doctor, I’ve got awful stomach crumps.” Dr Murphy asks “How long have you had this problem?” Nick answers “Well, if it was next Monday it would have been a month.” Dr Murphy asks “What are the bowel movements like?” Nick replies “I don’t know Doctor Murphy. I’ve never been to sea on Irish Fairies.” Dr Murphy asks “What colour are your stools?” Nick replies “They’re as black as a pint of Guinness.” Dr Murphy says “Oh, that’s truly shocking. It could be serious. Do you have soft or hard stools?” Nick replies “You filthy Git. How would I know? I’ve never touched them.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “Did you know that Sputnik is flying to Venus today? You did.” Nick replies “What in Heaven’s name is Sputnik?” Pat replies “I think it’s the Irish word for Cum Nick.”

Why do squirrels enjoy sunbathing? They love roasted nuts.

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “I’m going to appear on BBC’s Question Time, with the Pope.” Pat replies “No, you can’t be on that TV show.” Nick says “Why not?” Pat replies “Don’t you know the BBC has banned all Catholics?” Nick says “Why have the gobshites done that?” Pat replies “Because it is the only time Catholics expose themselves to the public, have a mass debate, and all come together.”

Pat and Nick are out walking in the Dublin mountains, when a cyclist passes them. Nick says “Did you see that, Pat? That fella is having breathing difficulties riding up that hill.” Pat replies “No Nick you idiot, he was having an orgasm.” Nick says “Don’t be a stupid fool, Pat. How do you know that?” Pat answers “To be sure I do. He doesn’t have a saddle!”

Nick is visiting Dr Murphy and he says “Doctor, I was caught in a mighty bar fight last night, kicked in the groin, and I lost both of my testicles.” Dr Murphy says “Balls?” Nick replies “No, I’m being serious!”

Nick is visiting Pat at his home and Pat says “We’re going abroad to England, and my wife needs you to cover our bedroom walls with pink Dulux. Would you mind at all?” Nick replies “No, I wouldn’t mind at all Pat.” A week later, Pat arrives home and he asks “What in Heavens name are those pink Durex’s doing hanging from the walls?” Nick answers “Oh, don’t worry Pat. They are only wet for one night and they don’t drip.”

John is at the Ascot races and he meets a wealthy man, dressed in a top hat and a Harrods suit. John asks “Where do you live mate?” The rich man replies “Oh, congrats for asking, my good man. I reside with my gorgeous wife in a mansion, on her Estate in Buckinghamshire.” John asks “Stiff upper lip?” The rich man says “No, my dear fellow, I prefer it up her fanny.”

A Swedish man walks into a Dublin bar with a broken arm and on his head, an open wound,. The Landlord O’Grady says “That’s a nasty cut you have there. Have you been to the Casualty department? You have.” The Swedish man replies “Yah, I have nice nurse who treat me to wounds.” The Landlord asks “Bandage?” The Swedish man replies “Yah, leather!”

Pat and Nick are in the bar. Pat says “Great news, Nick. My wife gave birth to a little colleen today.” Nick replies “That’s fantastic Pat. What are you thinking of calling her?” Pat answers “Oh, that’s simple. We’re going to name her Albert Einstein.” Nick says “You thick, Pat. You can’t call a baby girl Albert, it’s a boys name.” Pat answers “To be sure we can. Our baby was the 50th to be born in Dublin today, and according to that guy Mensa, one in 50 are born a genius!” Nick says “That’s fantastic Pat. l know exactly what to buy for her first birthday: an Oxford dictionary and a book on Quantum Physics.”

A Royal Navy ship sends some sailors to explore a desert island, and they encounter an Irishman who has lived on the island for thirty years. The Captain of the ship asks “Do you have any Coronavirus symptoms?” The castaway replies “What in Heaven’s name is Coronavirus?” The Captain says “Don’t you have any TV or radio?” The castaway replies “No, to be sure I don’t but I know there is a vaginal disease going around, just look at my pile of sanitary towels”

Nick walks into a bar and asks the Landlord “Have you something to perk up my sex life? I haven’t had sex for twenty-one years.” The Landlord replies “I have the Stinking Bishop’s Finger, Fcuk, and a Pinacolada cocktail.” Nick says “Forget the sex, just give me a drink.”

John appears on the Mastermind TV show and the presenter Malcolm Magnesia asks “What is your specialist subject?” John replies “Modern Irish History.” Malcolm asks “Who were the the United Irishmen, The Irish Volunteers and the Irish Brotherhood?” John shakes his head, “Ah, that’s tricky..I’ll have a guess. Were they Irish by any chance?””

Pat and Nick are killing pints in the bar and Pat asks “What is your mate Pete up to these days?” Nick replies “He’s an Executive Field Salesman.” Pat inquires “That’s a mighty important job. What does he sell?” Nick answers “Only a few turnips from his back garden.”

Pat is at the clinic to see Doctor Murphy. Pat says “Doctor, I’ve got ringing in my ears.” Doctor Murphy replies “Well, answer the caller.” Pat says “I can’t Doctor. My partner won’t stop talking.” Doctor Murphy replies “Take these tablets.” He hands Pat a bottle of 100 pills, and says “They will stop your wife talking for a day.” Pat replies “Oh, one day is far too short. Have you a pill that will stop her from talking for a week?”

A Jewish man walks into a D.I.Y shop in North London and asks “Do you sell wooden planks? I need one for my back door.” The assistant replies “What size? Four by Two?” Whack!

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “Sorry I haven’t seen you for a week, Pat. My dick got stuck in a cunt.” Pat says in shock “Oh, that is awful! Is your partner okay?” Nick replies “No, it wasn’t my partner. It was Donald Trump!”

A man walks into a bar in Limerick and the Landlord asks “Where would you be from? Is it the States?” The man replies “Canada.” The Landlord says “Of course, anyone can to the USA. Does your Da keep his pistol in his holster?” The man replies “No, to be sure he doesn’t. I have seven brothers and seven sisters.” The Landlord says “That’s 14 of you?” The man answers “No, you thick idiot. Seven and Seven is Seventy-Seven!” The Landlord O’Grady says “Ah, then you can’t fly to America. Air Lingers is too small.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “What are your luckiest times in life?” Nick replies “Oh, that’s easy. I won in the Irish National, the horse came in at 77 to 1, then I won £77 in a Brain of Ireland competition. I came 77 out of 77. Yesterday, I won 77 million euros on the Lotto, and I’m going to have 77 days in the Canary Islands, to look for canaries. Then, 77 days in the Virgin Islands, without my wife, and finally 77 days on a world cruise around Ireland.” Pat asks in amazement “Why 7 and 7? Is 7 your favourite number?” Nick answers “No, you thick. My lucky number is 14!”

Pat walks into a fish shop and asks the assistant “Have you any fresh fish?” The assistant replies “Yes, as fresh as the woman of your dreams.” Pat says “That will be my wife. I’ll take an old crab.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “What is your IQ?” Nick replies “I don’t have one.” Pat says “Oh, you thick idiot of course you do, everyone has an IQ.” Nick answers “No, to be sure I haven’t but my neighbor Freddie the has a very long one, outside his Opticians shop.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “Nick, did you not have happy schooldays?” Nick replies “No, I did not. I attended a special school for backward boys and a teacher once said to me “You’re acting like you’re in misery”. I replied to him that I was never in that play but I was in the audience of “Balls Of Steel!””

John walks into a Brighton bar and asks the Landlord “Have you a brandy that will make me feel randy?” The Landlord disappears into the back of the pub and returns with six big, fat, tall men with rippling muscles and tattoos all over their arms. The men grab John, force him over the bar, yank his trousers down, and gang bang him. After two hours, a well-shagged John says to the Landlord “I only wanted a brandy!” The Landlord replies “Sorry, I thought you said bandy! Would you prefer a shandy?” John moans “No thank you, I’ve had six of them already.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat inquires “Have you heard the latest news? You have.” Nick replies “What’s that Pat?” Pat says “A Dublin man has beaten the Guinness Book of Records. The man had constant intercourse with his partner for ten days.” Nick says in surprise “That’s fantastic Pat. What made him stop?” Pat replies “His Poodle died and the man had a heart attack, It’s what they call doggy style sex between partners in Ireland.”

An Englishman walks into a Cork bar and says to the Landlord “Good Evening Paddy. Your decor is absolutely splendid and the open fire is spiffing, but where do you keep your Peat?” The Landlord replies “You idiot, If you must know I keep Pete in my bedroom.”

Pat is driving around California when the car stalls. A Yank walks up to Pat’ and asks “Hey man, can I give you a hand?” Pat replies “I’ve got engine trouble.” The Yank says “We’ve got Injun trouble too.” Pat declares “No, it wasn’t the Indians, it was the mechanics, they’re a bunch of cowboys!”

What does an Irish vampire with Corona do at night? He has a good pint and a good coffin.

At the High Court in London the Judge asks “What is the alleged crime of the man accused?” The lawyer replies “Wearing knickers in public, my Lord.” The judge proclaims “Oh, send them down.” Another man steps into the Dock and the judge asks “What is this man’s alleged crime?” The lawyer says “Having sex with a prostitute, my Lord.” The Judge proclaims “Oh, send him down. Who is next?” The lawyer for the accused says “I regret my client had a fatal heart attack after coming on the Tube” The Judge proclaims “Oh, send the wanker down and send the sample for testing”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “How is Michael these days?” Nick answers “Oh, it’s awful. He died last Tuesday.” Pat inquires “Oh, that is awful, truly awful and so tragic. Was it the drink?” Nick says “Yes, he had 14 pints of Guinness and the hair of the dog. He died swallowing his Alsatian.”

A CHINESE AFFAIR

Why do Chinese men prefer sex with English women? Its because English women are always moaning.

If China makes war don’t panic, everything they make only lasts one week.

Michael and Nick are walking up Grafton Street when a small boy passes them on a scooter. Michael turns to Nick and says “Did you not see that Leprechaun doing 70 miles per hour on that pony?” Nick asks “Mick, are you a paranoid schizophrenic?” Michael answers “Who told you that? Was it the Irish fairy chasing him in the police car?”

O’HOOLIGANS

Pat and Nick are sculling pints in the pub. Nick says “A bastard gave me a jab in the arm today.” Pat inquires “Did you punch the hooligan back?” Nick replies “Yes, to be sure I did, and then the thug stuck his prick in me.” Pat declares “That is awful, truly awful. Awful is too short a word”. Nick says “Ah, that’s not all,. The scumbag shot me in the arm too.” Pat exclaims “That is so terrible, terrible is too short a word. So, you won.t be seeing him again?” Nick answers “Yes I am, next week for the second booster.”

Nick is walking along O’Connell Street, Dublin and he spies a blind man begging. Nick says “It’s truly awful. Will $20 help?” The blind man replies “Thanks, that is so kind of you. God be with you.” Nick says “Oh Jesus. It’s truly awful. Will $100 help?” The blind man replies “Thanks, you are so kind. God be with you.” Nick says “Oh Christ, that is so terrible. I will sell my country mansion my Mercedes and give you all the Swiss gold I’ve got. Will that help?” The blind man replies “That is fantastic. You are the kindest man in Ireland, and by the way, Nick, will you give me the price of a pint?”

An Irish rebel is facing the firing squad and a British officer asks the rebel “What is your last request?” The rebel replies “The dentist. I’ve a holy terror of a toothache.” The captain asks “Would you like a cigarette instead?” The rebel says “Ah no. Smoking kills don’t you know.”

Nick is waiting at a bus stop outside the GPO in Dublin and an American tourist walks up to him and says “Hey, when is the next Greyhound due?” Nick replies “Why? Won’t a bus do?”

A big, tall Texan walks into a Limerick bar and orders a pint of Murphys. The Landlord asks “What’s your name, big fella?” The Texan replies “Big Dick Danny.” The Landlord inquires “Well big Dick what do you do to bring back the bacon?” The Texan smiles and says “I make the holes in the ring doughnuts.” The Landlord asks “Couldn’t you do something more useful?” Dick replies “I could but my wife’s in the States”

Pat visits Mars on a space shuttle and he sees thousands of Irish bars, Irish Guinness breweries and Irish churches Pat walks into one of the pubs and he asks the Landlord “It is a blessed Holy miracle, How did you get the hundreds and thousands of Irish pubs to Mars?” The Landlord replies in a Dublin accent “Who are the Irish? I’m a Martian mate.”

Who is the head of the Irish Catholic Church? The pub. Where can he be seen? In the Whiskey Vat-he-can.

Why did the Irish landlord say “Have you no homes to go home to?” So, the drinkers could go home with both legs intact,.The Landlord’s Rottweiler died, of thirst – a legless man gave him 14 pints of Murphys.

What does an Irish Wolfhound do? It walks backwards and wags its head.

Why do the Irish talk in a stupid and nonsensical way? So, the English can understand them.

Why do the English talk in a stupid and nonsensical way? So, the dog can understand them. Ask the bitch!

How do you know if an Irishman has had a skinful of booze? He returns home with two black eyes, a broken jaw, and he’s legless.

Nick is sitting on the toilet, when his partner forces open the door. She grabs his willy and gives him a blow job. Nick says in total shock “Mary, why in Heavens name did you do that?” Mary, replies “It’s easier than mopping the sodding floor.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub. Pat asks “How is Michael these days?” Nick replies “Oh, it is truly shocking. Shocking is too short a word. He died last Thursday whilst buying a Penthouse.” Pat inquires “What killed him?” Nick answers “Nothing at all. Pete fell through 13 floors. Michael’s estate agent said that it was a flawless property.”

BALL GAMES

How do you know if the Catholics don’t have sex in a housing estate? There is a sign saying “No Ball Games.” The sign is written in Irish, so the Protestants can have plenty of sex.

A skinhead walks into a Luton bar and asks for a pint of lager. The bargirl replies “Do you know that you’ve got a massive erection in your trousers?” The skinhead says “Yeah I do bitch, I’m just showing you how hard I can be.”

Pete is at home, the doorbell rings and he opens the door to a young man in a smart suit. “Good Morning, Pete Byrne. Can I congratulate you on winning the Lotto million?” Pete says “That’s fantastic. I’ll pack up the dole tomorrow.” Pete shakes the Lotto man’s hand and the man says “Thank you, but you should have wiped your nose on something else.” Pete replies “Why? I didn’t shoot my load that far up.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub. Pat inquires “How is Michael these days?” Nick answers “Oh, it’s shocking. It’s truly awful, awful is too short a word. He died last Thursday.” Pat asks “What killed him?” Nick replies “He died coming down the ski slopes.” Pat says “That skiing is a very, very dangerous sport.” Nick declares “You’re wrong there Pat. it wasn’t the skiing. He was on a crash course in advanced driving.”

What is an Irish bi-sexual? A man who has fallen in love with the women and the beer.

Pat and Nick are driving around the Kerry mountains, when Nick says “Oh Christ! Will you look at that road sign. It is the filthiest, disgusting and most offensive sign in the whole of Ireland.” Pat inquires “Why? For Heaven’s sake?” Nick answers “Well, it shows a limp dick and it means no erections.” Pat replies “You idiot, it’ means a turning ahead.” Nick declares, “Pat, that is a relief because I’ve just cum in my knickers.”

What does mastication mean in Ireland? A woman who eats her partner’s spunk.

Pat and Nick are in the pub. Nick asks “Why are you sleeping in the bar tonight?” Pat states “I’ve got Agoraphobia.” Nick says “That’s so horrible. Was it the knitting needles again?”

Nick is visiting his doctor at his surgery. Nick asks “Doctor, I am taking huge amounts of ginger to help cure my high blood pressure. Is it safe?”The doctor answers “No, they are blood thinners and you will bleed to death in one hour.” Nick inquires “How do you know that?” The doctor says “Well, I am just about to give you the Corona vaccine.” Nick declares “That’s fine Doctor. I will take my Ginger in two hours time.”

Pete is visiting his doctor at the health clinic. Pete says “Doctor, I am having the most horrible and terrifying hallucinations.” The doctor asks gently “What is your worst vision?” Pete replies “I keep having a hallucination of Marilyn Monroe lying naked on my bed.” The doctor inquires “Surely that is pleasant to see.” Pete shakes his head and states “No it isn’t because she won’t have sex with me wearing a condom, and worse – its Nancy, my cat!”

REST IN GUINNESS

Pat and Nick are in the pub. Pat inquires “How is your mate Kevin these days?” Nick replies “Oh no, it’s so awful,, he died last Tuesday.” Pat asks “Oh, that’s tragic, so tragic. Tragic is too short a word. Was it the drink that killed him?” Nick answers “Yes, he smashed 14 bottles of Guinness over his own head – in a fight”

John walks into a Dublin bar and the Landlord asks “Who are you supposed to be?” John replies. “I’m a truth-teller.” The Landlord inquires “Can you give me an honest tip for the 3 pm race at the Curragh?” John says “Easy. Back the odds-on favourite, “Daddy Long Legs.” The Landlord asks “Why? Will it win?” John replies “Yes, to be sure it will. It is the only horse in the race.” The Landlord in total shock says” Sweet Jesus. I’ll put my life’s savings on her. What happened to the other runners?” John says “The jockeys were caught shagging the stable girls and being good Catholics – they all pulled out at the last moment.”

Nick is at home with his partner, Mary, She asks “Where have you been at this hour of the night?” Nick replies “Oh, only exploring my love for Pete.” Mary angrily says “You shameless Perv. You’ll not be having sex with me tonight unless I use a bottle of Cream Cleaner.” Nick is bemused “Why cream cleaner for Heavens sake?” Mary answers “Because you thick idiot, it is tough on stains and removes grease.”

A Texan walks into a Galway bar and says to the Landlord “Give me a pint of Guinness with a genuine Irish touch.” The Landlord inquires “Would you like Peat with your Stout?” The Texan answers “Hey man, I’m straight. I’ll take the Guinness with the feminine touch.” The Landlord asks “Will my wife’s knickers do?”

In Britain you can drink beer in a pub if you’re over 18 years. In Ireland you can drink beer in a bar if you’re over 5 years, and can pass an IQ test. The only question is”How do you spell Old Mac Donald’s Farm?” Answer “E-I-E-I-O.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub. Pat asks “How do you spell the song – “Coming Round The Mountains?”. Nick replies “What mountains?” Pat says “No. Any mountains” Nick declares “Ah yes, Is it I-I-IPPY-IPPY-I?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub. Pat asks “What is Orange and Green, has five legs and gets stuck up trees?” Nick replies “Is it an Irish Lumberjack?” Pat says “No, you idiot. It is an Irish cat.” Nick inquires “Is that the same as an English cat?” Pat answers “No, you thick. English cats are black and white, have four legs and are stuck up snobs.”

PEACE ON THE WALL

What do you call an Irishman who writes graffiti on pub toilet walls? A piss artist.

What do you call an Englishman who writes graffiti on toilet walls? A pissed off artist.

A DIRTY CUT

Nick is at his Unisex hairdressers and he asks “Anna, can you fit me in now for a cut?” Anna replies “Sorry, Nick. We’re busy today.” Nick says “I can come anytime.” Anna answers “Okay. sit in the chair.” Anna pulls down his trousers and his Y-Fronts and gives Nick a blow job.” Nick inquires “Jesus, why did you do that?” Anna replies “You did say you could cum anytime and you always like a cut and blow dry.”

FANCY A DOUBLE?

Pete is at a night club and he fancies one of the guys. Pete asks “Hi, would you like a Lager beer?” The blonde guy replies “Yes, that’s my favorite.” Pete inquires “A German lager?” The Blonde guy answers “Yes, that’s my favorite too.” Pete suggests “A Bavarian lager?” The Guy declares “Yes, that’s my favorite, as you know.” Pete asks “How would I know that, you handsome beauty?” The Guy answers ” Pete, of course you know, we’ve been drinking together for 32 years.” Pete exclaims ” I was sure I had seen you before. Who are you?” The guy replies, “You thick idiot, don’t you know I’m your twin brother?”

FLYING TO DUBLIN

John is in a Travel Agency in London. He walks up to a agent and says “What is the fastest airplane to Dublin?” The agent answers “There is the Ryan Air flight that takes less than an hour and the Air Lingers flight that takes 48 hours.” John asks “Why 48 hours?” The agent replies “It flies backwards ,but is very cheap and they pay you to fly with them.” John inquires “Is it a frequent service?” The agent says “Yes, of course. It crashes on the hour every hour.”

WHY IS JESUS IRISH?

The flight captain of an Air Lingers plane asks the attendant, why a man calling himself Jesus is arrested, onboard his plane. The woman replies “Because he was seen exposing himself in his knickers, with some winos, and punched us pilot.”

AN IRISH EASTER

What is an Irish Easter egg? An egg that an Easter bunny lays in a supermarket.

A GAY TAKE-AWAY

What is an American Gay’s favourite food, after having anal sex? Kentucky Fried Chicken because it’s finger licking good.

THE THIRSTY IRISH

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “Did you drink Canada Dry?” Nick replies “No, it wasn’t me. I think it was a thirsty Irish lumberjack, after he had made the Sahara Desert!”

THE DRINKING OF THE GREEN

An Irishman asks an Englishman in a pub “Why do the Irish like the colour green?” The Englishman says “So they can drink green pints of English Ale on Saint Patrick’s Day.” The Irishman says “No, because the Irish love to see the piss taken out of the Brits”

THE FLAT TYRE

Pete takes his bicycle to a repair shop and asks the assistant to mend his flat wheel. The man yanks his trousers down and fucks Pete up the arse. Pete says in shock “Why did you do that?” The man replies “Because your rear end needed pumping up with some lubricant.”

COCO NUTS

Why are the English addicted to cocoa? Because they are a nation of clowns.

BALLS UP!

Why do the English only choose odd numbers when playing Lotto? Because they’re a nation of oddballs and they haven’t even balls.

BIN IT!

John is at home when a delivery man arrives with a tin of paint. John throws the tin into the wheelie bin. The delivery man is confused, so he asks “Why did you throw away the paint that you ordered?” John replies “I ordered a pair of silk pants.” The delivery man is puzzled, “How are you spelling pants?” Johnathon replies “What colour?”

STRAIGHTS ON GAYS

How do you get a straight man to have sex with a gay? Make him wear a fanny tickler.

NUTS!

Pat and Nick are at a house party. Pat says “Oh, the craic is great and everyone is having a good time. Would you like some nuts?” Nick replies “Yes, a plate of nuts would be fine” Pat hands Nick the nuts and he drops them on the floor. Pat says “I’ll get Henry.” Nick answers “Why? I know how to use a vacuum cleaner.”

THE GOLD RING

Nick is in a Jewellers and he asks the assistant “Have you any wedding anniversary rings?” The assistant replies “Yes, we’ve 10 karat gold” Nick says “My wife won’t eat those with her false teeth. Have you any gold without the carrots?”

THE HOOLEY IN THE BAR

When do Irish pubs never close? On wedding nights and one week later after the wedding night, when there is the divorce party. You can wait in the bar for it to open and have a drink while you’re waiting.

The BOG PEOPLE

What do you call Pete that won’t leave the Cork bogs? An awkward sod.

THE FACE OF GOD

John joins the Evangelicals and is invited to fly on a private flight to Jerusalem. The Minister says to John “Can you see the face of God in the clouds?” John replies “No, I surely can’t see God.” The Minister shouts aloud “Can you see the face of God in the clouds now, brother?” John answers “No, I surely can’t see God.” The Minister is exasperated and holds John’s head to the window and squeezes his neck “Can you see the face of God now?” John replies “No, I surely can’t see God. Are you sure this is the place where He jumped out?”

THE LOST VOICE

Pat takes his wife Doreen to the doctor because she has a sore throat. The doctor says “You will have to rest your voice for two weeks.” Pat declares “Oh, that is so terrible news. I don’t want to miss that, so I will take two weeks off work.”

A NUMBER 39

Nick answers his door to a Chinese food delivery man. The man asks “Is yours a number 39?” Nick replies “No, I’m number 40, number 39 is next door.”

Toilet HumoUr

Pat and Nick walk into a Limerick pub and Nick visits the toilets. Five minutes later Nick says “I don’t get this pub, it has two male toilets.” Pat replies “You idiot Nick. Don’t you know the difference of a picture of a dick and a picture of Donald Trump?”

The Power Of Prayer

Pat and Nick are enjoying a few quiet pints in the pub, when a seven foot tall drunk walks over to Nick and punches him in the face. Then, he kicks Nick to the floor and pours a pint of Guinness over his head. The drunk walks calmly out of the bar and Pat asks “Why didn’t you fight the bastard?” Nick replies “I prayed that he might see the light of God” The next day, Pat is reading the Irish Times in the pub and he says to Nick “Be Jesus! Your prayer was answered. The paper says a Dublin drunk was hit by lightening from the Heavens..”

Going To Pieces

Nick buys a new dish washing machine and sets the wash to woolens and spin. Then, he hangs out the pieces to dry on the line; it takes him nine hours. The following year, Nick returns the washing machine to the annual Scouts’ car boot sale, and receives a full refund of £5.

Passing The Bar Stool

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Nick asks “Where is Pete today? I haven’t seen him for over a week.” Pat replies “Pete is incontinent, he can’t pass a pub easily.” Nick says “Oh, that’s an unholy distance away. I thought he lived in Ireland.”

Intensive Care

Nick is walking up Grafton Street when he meets his old friend Pat. Nick asks “Have you seen Pete recently?” Pat replies “Oh, it’s very sad. He always wore a mask, washed his hands and practiced social distancing. Now he is in hospital.” Nick inquires “What department?” Pat answers “The ICU unit.” Nick says “Why? What’s wrong with his vision?”

The Pizza Shop

John walks into a London pizza take-away and reads the menu. It says “All hand rolled for £5.” John asks the assistant “Are you the woman who does the hand roll job?” The woman replies “Yes, of course.” John says “Then, wash your fucking hands I want a baguette.”

The Predatory Terrorist

Pat and Nick are in the pub, and Pat is reading the Irish Times. Nick asks “Any news?” Pat answers “It’s all news you thick.” Nick inquires “What is the headline?” Pat replies “Oh, nothing much. The Garda have stopped a sexually deviant terrorist from causing an incident.” Nick asks “Why? What was he doing?” Pat declares “The predator was attempting to blow up dolls.”

China and Paddy

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “Would you like to travel with me to see China?” Nick says “Why? You can see mine in the kitchen.” Pat continues “No, you idiot not plates. I mean you can see hundreds of Paddy fields.” Nick declares “You thick, Paddy only has one and he doesn’t grow rice.”

The Frenchman and Sex

How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard? The dog, the cat, the rabbit, the hamster and the canary are all pregnant, and your dustbins are full of fanny ticklers and unused condoms.

The Haircut

An Irishman walks into a Dublin Barber’s saloon and asks the Barber “Short back and then sides please.” The Barber replies “Why? What’s wrong with a cut in the shop front?”

The Big Texan

An American walks into a Dublin bar and buys a bottle of Budweiser. The Landlord, O’Grady, says “Where are you from?” The Texan replies “Texas buddy, the biggest State in the USA with the biggest buildings, the biggest cars and the biggest bars.” The Landlord claims “Yes, and the biggest liars.” The Texan replies angrily, “How would you know that Punk?” The Landlord retorts “Your zip is flying low.”

Who is Donald Trump?

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “Who is Donald Trump’s best friend?” Nick answers “Mickey Mouse?”

Made In China?

Why wasn’t the Corona Virus made in China? It’s because it has lasted more than two weeks.

An Irish Dozen

Pat and Nick walk into a bakery shop and Pat buys doughnuts for both of them. Pat says “I’ve bought an Irish dozen of doughnuts for me and 12 for you.” Nick answers “Why do I get 12 when you get 13 doughnuts?”

Carry On Camping

How do the Irish live during the Pandemic? In pubs. How do the English live? Intense.

In Sickness And In Health

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “How is Pete these days?” Nick replies “He’s in the hospital.” Pat inquires “Why? Is he ill?” Nick replies “They all are.”

An Irish Greeting

Pat is walking up Grafton Street, Dublin and he meets his friend Nick. Pat asks “Is that yourself, Nick?” Nick replies “No. Who’s he? I have never heard of him, Pat.”

Positive News

Pete is at his Doctor’s surgery and the doctor says “I have some bad news for you. You have tested positive for HIV.” Pete replies, “Oh no! That’s terrible news, Doctor. How long do I need to self-isolate for?”

Hong Kong

Tommy is at school and the teacher, Miss Prendergast asks the class “What is Hong Kong?” Tommy raises his hand and says “I know Miss. He’s a very big hairy Gorilla. “

The Bells

Nick is working as a printer in Kildare and hears a bell ring. Nick asks his co-worker “What is that bell for?” The worker replies “That is the bell for you to have a piss.” Two hours later another bell rings and Nick asks “What is that bell for?” The co-worker replies “That is the bell for you to have a shit.” Another three hours pass and another bell rings. Nick asks “What is that bell for?” The man replies “That’s to remind you that you need to change your pants.”

An Irish History Lesson

Pat is in the pub and he meets an elderly Englishman. Pat asks “Would you like me to tell you the history of Ireland?” The Englishman nods and Pat says “Well, it all began with the Viking invasion and it was the Vikings who built a settlement in Dublin. Then, years later the Normans came and they became known as more Irish than the Irish. Later the treacherous Cromwell sent in his army and…” Pat continues for over 30 minutes and then he asks the Englishman “Would you like to ask me a question?” The Englishman replies, “Yes, can you repeat what you said, as I have to switch my hearing aid on?” Pat says “Well it all began with the Viking…”

The Cadillacs

An American walks into a Dublin bar and says to the Landlord, O’Grady “Howdy, can you see my Cadillac outside? I’ve got six of those in my State.” The Landlord replies “You dumb Yank. We’ve got over 4 million Catholics in this State.”

Birth Of The Son

Tommy is at school and his teacher, Miss Prendergast asks “Who was born on Christmas Day?” Tommy raises his hand and says “Santa Claus.” Miss Prendergast asks “No, Tommy. why do you think that?” Tommy answers ” Cos Santa is the Son of The Father Christmas.”

Paddy Santa

It is Christmas Eve and Pat is at home with his family. Pat asks his son, Tommy, to watch out for Santa Claus. So, that night Pat dresses up as Santa and leaves presents in Tommy’s room. The next morning, Pat asks “Did you see Santa?” Tommy replies “No, to be sure I didn’t Daddy.” So, Christmas Day night Pat dresses up as Santa and stamps loudly into Tommy’s bedroom, sounds a horn and shakes Tommy’s bed. The next Boxing Day morning, Pat asks Tommy if he saw Santa and Tommy answers, “No Daddy. to be sure I didn’t.” So, Pat tells his son to wait by the fireplace. Pat, dressed as Santa, climbs onto the roof and begins to climb down the chimney. Pat shouts down to Tommy “Did you see Santa?” Tommy replies “No, to be sure I didn’t Daddy but I can see you with your pants on fire”

I’ve Got My Eye On You

Nick is out walking with his lady friend and he says “Mary, that car driver just stared at me.” Mary replies “No, you are imagining things.” Minutes later, a van passes the couple and Nick declares “That idiot driver just stared at me. Everyone is looking at me.” Mary answers “No, don’t be silly.” Two minutes later a lorry driver pulls in beside the couple and the lecherous driver says “Hey you!” Nick says, “There you are Mary, that driver is staring at me.” Mary says, “No, you thick he’s staring at me.” Nick declares “That’s a relief. You’re right there Mary, I am imagining things.” The Lorry driver shouts “You with the pink dress and panties, would you like a good time in the back of my cab?” Nick angrily replies “How did you know I wear knickers under my dress?”

The New Guinness

The Guinness brewery has just launched two new flavours: Aniseed and Peppermint. It is made with Gaviscon, so you don’t wake up to vomit after a skinful, but you can’t make love because your breath stinks.

Man On A Bus

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks, “Where were you going when I saw you going to work yesterday?” Nick answers, ” I think I was going to work.”

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The Blind

Pat was having intercourse with his wife, Doreen, when the Landlord breaks down the door with an axe. Pat asks, “What in Christ’s name are you doing?” The Landlord declares, “This is an emergency.” Pat replies, “But you have my key.” The Landlord says, “I know that’s the emergency. I wanted to tell you that I’ve lost your key.” Pat answers, “Why didn’t you ring the bell?” The Landlord replies, “I’ve gone blind too.” Pat says to Doreen, “No need to worry dear, he can’t see anything.” The Landlord answers, “I like your blindfolds. By the way, nice tits and a lovely shave.”

The Protestant

An Englishman walks into a Dublin restaurant and asks the manager, “May I have shrimps for my starter, fish soup for my first meal, fish pie with cod, tuna and haddock for my main meal, and Birds Eye ice cream for my dessert?” The manager replies, “You’re having a laugh. Who are you?” The Englishman replies, “I’m a Pescatarian.” The manager says, “That’s grand. I’m a protestant too.”

Furry Friends

Pat is visiting Australia. He walks into a Perth bar and asks the Landlord, “What do you call those furry animals with furry ears, that eat leaves in the trees?” The guide replies, “They’re Koalas, mate.” Pat asks, “Can I have one of those with my Vodka and ice?”

The China man

A Chinese man walks into a Dublin bar with heavy breathing, a fever and a bad cough. He asks for a pint of beer and the Landlord says, “We don’t serve persons under 19 in here.”

Mind Your Language

Pat’s wife, Doreen, was born with a speech impediment, she won’t stop moaning and now she has a partial hearing impediment, she never listens to Pat.

2-1 Backward Runner

Nick is at the Bookies and an elderly man gives him a tip: 2 to 1 Backward Runner at the Curragh Races. The horse started at 1 minute to 2 and came in at 2 minutes to 1 the previous day.

The Flag

Pat and Nick are driving across the Irish border to Derry City, when Nick asks, “What does that red hand on that flag mean?” Pat answers, “It’s the red hand of Ulster.” Nick says, “Why would anyone want to cut their hand off for it to be put on a flag?”

Hazard Ahead

Pat and Nick are driving from Dublin to Belfast, when Pat asks, “What is the most dangerous hazard on the motorway?” Nick answers, “No public conveniences for 90 miles.” Pat inquires, “Why?” Nick replies, “Because it’s so dangerous you shit yourself.”

The Ford

Pat and Nick are driving around County Wicklow when Nick says, “You can’t drive through that Ford, Pat.” Pat says, “Don’t be stupid, it’s only a few inches deep.” Nick replies, “I know but I haven’t brought my wellies.”

Humbug!

What do you call an Irish Scrooge? A very mean prison warden. Who is Tiny Tim? A small man with a tiny crutch.

The Nags Tale

Who is an Irish genius and a member of MENSA? Someone who can fill in a betting slip at the Bookies and can pick a horse that doesn’t win.

Uncle Lionel

Nick are in the pub and Pat says, “Do you remember your Umbilical?” Nick replies, “I don’t remember my Uncle Lionel being at my birth.”

A Granny Knot

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks, “What’s a Granny Knot?” Nick replies, “Why? What is she?” Pat says, “Well she is not your Grandmother.” Nick replies, “You are right there Pat, she hasn’t got my Mum’s name and I could never work out how she got my Dad’s name”

A to B

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Nick asks Pat, “Why did you learn to drive?” Pat replies, “Oh, only to get from A to B.” Nick says, “Pat, I wouldn’t like to be with you when you’re driving from A to Z. It’s too far.”

Stars In Their Eyes

Pat walks into a pub on Christmas Eve and the landlord says, “It’s Christmas and as you are my best customer, what would you like as a present?” Pat replies, “Something with lots of twinkling stars.” The landlord says, “No problem at all.” Thump!

The Drunk Driver

A traffic cop stops Nick’s car on the Motorway and says, “You are a drunk driver.” Nick replies, “I am drunk but I don’t remember driving officer.”

What the Dickens!

Pat is walking around a park, when some Chavs ask him for the time and Pat inquires, “What are your names?” A lad replies, “We’re named after a famous writer, mate.” Pat declares, ” I will call you the Dickens” One lad replies, “You cant!”

The Dope

Nick is walking around Brixton market, London, and he sees a black man selling washing up liquid. Nick asks, “Can I have your dope?” The man says, “How did you know my wife is thick?”

No Flushing

Nick walks into a DIY shop and asks, “Have you got something that will help my lavatory to work?” The assistant says, “Ball cock?” Nick answers, “No thanks. Have you got something for my toilet?”

Ben Dover

Nick is visiting his friend, Pete, and Pete asks, “Would you like some slap and tickle?” Nick says, “What do you mean?” Pete inquires, “Have you ever had Corporal Punishment?” Nick answers, “No, I was never in the army.”

No More TV

Pat says to his wife, Doreen, that he is giving up watching TV for the rest of his life. Doreen replies, “How do you know that you will live for the rest of your life?” Pat declares, “My doctor gave me 24 hours to live. So, I said can you be generous and give me 48 hours.

The Blind Man

Nick is cycling along a path and he nearly hits a pedestrian. The angry walker says, “Are you a blind man?” Nick replies, “How did you know I sold blinds?”

The Blues

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Pat asks, “What’s best for melancholy?” Nick replies, “Why? I’ve never met them.”

Educating Paddy

What do you call someone with a severe learning disability? An Irishman.

Motorway Madness

Pat is in a car and he is giving instructions, “Now, turn left here and go straight ahead at the traffic lights, then turn right into the slip road and onto the motorway, then enter the slow lane and take the next exit for the Cathedral. Are you listening?” Nick replies, “Pat, what do you mean am I listening? You’re driving!”

Dangerous Drivers

Pat is driving through a rough housing estate in Dublin and he sees a mass of people in the street. Pat asks a small boy, “What is all the fuss about?” The lad replies, “Everyone has come out to see the idiot who is driving at 20 miles per hour.”

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Pat is visiting Nick and Pat asks, “I didn’t hear your dog, bark. Is he okay?” Nick answers, “He’s been put to sleep because he had kidney failure.” Pat says, “When is he waking up for his walk?”

Alone

Pat is walking up O’Connell Street, Dublin, when he meets Michael. Pat asks, “How are you these days Mick?” Michael replies, “I’m getting paranoid about people when I’m alone.” Pat says, “Oh dear, I wouldn’t want to be with you when you’re alone.”

Higher Education

What does a Post Graduate Degree in Education stand for in Ireland? An advanced qualification in nappy changing.

Foul Weather

Pat s wife, Doreen, asks Pat to see if there is ice and snow outdoors. Pat says, “Let the cat out and wait to see if he starts Me-owing.”

Lenin

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks, “When was Lenin around?” Nick replies, “I washed it yesterday morning with my knickers.”

Amazon

Nick is at home and he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and a young man with a parcel says, “I’m from Amazon.” Nick inquires, “Did you bring my blow pipes?”

Alien Invasion

An alien walks into a pub and asks for a Green pint. The Landlord asks, “How did you get here?” The alien replies, “By spaceship.” The Landlord says, “You F. O. Mate!”

The Red Dragon

A Red Dragon walks into a London pub and asks for a glass of Brandy. The Landlord replies, “No mate. Didn’t you read the sign?, “No Welsh Allowed.”

The World’s First Joke

What is the world’s first and oldest joke? Adam and Eve made apple cider and opened the fist nudist pubic house in Ireland.

Through the Peephole

Nick is walking to the pub and a tall man in a trench coat and cap follows him up the street into a toilet, and the spy enters the next cubicle. Nick is shocked when he sees a huge dick appear through a peephole. Nick pulls up his trousers, breaks down the cubicle door and says, “You filthy pervert. Who are you?” The spy replies, “I’m from the Irish Pleasuring Yourself Society and we are featuring you on the front page of our journal tomorrow.” Nick says, “Why? I don’t drink pints while I am having a good shit.”

The Cork Express

Nick is waiting at the railway station for a train to Cork and he asks a bald-headed man when the next train is due. The man replies, “In about a minute or two. I’m the driver for the express to Cork.” A minute later a fast train thunders through the station. Nick says, “Where was that train going?” The driver replies, “That was the Cork express I was waiting to drive but it never stops at this station.”

Hunger Pains

Pat meets Nick walking up O’Connell Street, Dublin, and Pat asks, “How is Michael these days?” Nick replies, “He’s in hospital.” Pat inquires, “Anything serious?” Nick answers, “No, not at all. He went for the free food and got food poisoning.”

Animal Farm

Tommy is in Miss Prendergast’s class and she asks, “Now you have all heard of an animal farm. What would you see on a farm?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Cows and pigs, Miss.” The teacher inquires, “Why cows and pigs, Tommy?” Tommy replies, “‘Cos we live on a funny farm and my Dad calls my Mum an animal, and says she needs milking. Then, my Mum calls my Dad an animal and says he had better pray for God to save his bacon.”

British and Irish Laws

What does a defence Lawyer do in Ireland? He makes the case for the prosecution.

The Outlaw

Pat walks into a bar and he asks the Landlord, “What is that Yank with a cowboy hat and a pistol doing drinking pints of milk?” The Landlord replies, “That’s the most evil, vicious, and deadliest bandit in the West.” Pat says, “Will you call the police?” The Landlord replies, “No, he’s the Milky Bar Kid and I am throwing him out for being under age.”

What’s in a name?

Tommy and his sister, Katie, are in Miss Prendergast’s class and she asks, “How did Dublin city get its name?” Katie replies, “It’s called Dublin as the population is always doubling, ‘cos the grown ups spend too much time in bed.” Miss Prendergast says, “No, Katie. Does anyone know how Cork got its name?” Tommy replies, “‘Cos the City is full of winos pulling their big corks!” The teacher says, “No, Tommy. Let’s try one from England. How did the River Piddle get its name?” Katie replies, “That’s easy Miss, Poodles!”

The Russians

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Nick says, “Who are those men running in here with beards and snow on their boots?” Pat replies, “They Russian for a shot of Vodka. They have just liquidated a few more peasants, it’s what they call a Molotov Cocktail.”

Irish Beasts

What is Beasteality in Ireland? Having marital sex with your bitch doggy-style, or when six men have an orgy with one pussy.

Dirty Business

What do the Irish Security Services do? They look through peepholes in toilets to see if their suspects are pleasuring themselves while passing secrets.

Paddy and Mick

Why are many Irish lads called Paddy and Mick? It’s because they are forever getting in a paddy and taking the mick out of the English.

The Irish Security Services

What are the Irish Security Services? Big beefy wrestlers guarding the bars.

The Motorway Test

Nick is having an advanced driving test on the motorway and he decides to drive at 160 mph down the middle of the fast lane. The instructor bawls, “What in God’s name are you doing?” Nick answers, “Your envelope with the test letter said, “Tear along the dotted line.”

Duncan

Tommy is in Miss Prendergast’s class and she asks, “Where is Duncan today?” Tommy replies, “Dunking is with tea and biscuits, Miss.”

Senseless

Nick is visiting his mate, Pete, and Pete’s partner Bertie answers the door. Nick asks, “How is Pete today?” Bertie replies, “Oh. It’s bad news I’m afraid he has lost all his senses. He is deaf as a Dormouse, as blind as a bat, and he has the nose of a goldfish.” Nick says,”That’s truly shocking news. I hope to God he gets better soon. Anyway, I bought him a few things from the shop.” Nick holds up a carrier bag and Pete shouts out from above the stairs, “That’s four Murphy’s, three bottles of Cognac Brandy and two bottles of Paddy’s Whiskey.”

Mississippi

Tommy is in Miss Parkinson’s class at school and she is talking about rivers in the USA. Miss asks, “What has four eyes but cannot see?” Tommy raises his hand and replies, “You Miss.” Miss Parkinson inquires, “Why me, Tommy?” Tommy answers, “Because you wear glasses and you didn’t see me showing off my bottom on the school bus.” Miss Parkinson angrily says, “You horrible little boy. Go to the Headmaster now!” Tommy replies, “Why? Has he got four eyes too?”

The River Severn

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Pat inquires, “Where is the River Severn?” Nick answers, “I don’t know where the other six are.”

Wolfe Tone

Pat and Nick are in a pub. Pat inquires, “Who was Wolfe Tone?” Nick replies, “I don’t know but I hear him every full Moon.”

Some Mothers Do Have Them

Pat’s wife gets a job in the Dublin Maternity Hospital and she says to Pat, “They’re all idiots in there.” Pat says, “How do you know that?” Pat’s wife replies, “Because there’s one born every minute.

Lockdown

An Englishman walks to a pub and finds it closed. He knocks on the door and the Landlord answers, “Sorry mate. We’re closed due to the Lockdown.” The Englishman says, “Please, would you give me something to take away?” The Landlord replies, “Yes, what would you like?” The Englishman says, “Fish and chips three times.” The Landlord replies, “I heard you the first time and we only sell drink.” The Englishman says, “I’ll have a cappuccino and whatever you like.” The Landlord answers, “I’ll have a male escort.”

The Shopping Delivery

Nick is at home and the phone rings, and a young woman says, “I’m your Tesco delivery driver.” Nick replies, “Now, you need to pass the school, and the Texaco petrol station, then turn right at the traffic lights, pass the church, then turn left, a quick right, pass the Town Hall, then a quick left, then on the right is a car park behind a wooden fence and I am 35 doors away.” The woman says, “I know. Your bell isn’t working. Will you open the door?” Nick answers, “Now, you need to pass the school…”

A Chippy and A Burger

Where can you find British Fish and Chips? In Greece. Where can you find McDonald’s? On his farm.

A Piece Of Cake

An Englishman walks into a pub in Dublin and the Landlord says, “Cead Mile Failte.” The Englishman replies, “Oh, thank you so much. I would love a cake meal voucher. Do you serve fruit cakes?”

Guy Fawkes

Who was Guy Fawkes? A Gay gardener with a bent fork, and a marshmallow in a bonfire.

Insanity

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Nick says, “My wife says not making love to her is insanity.” Pat replies, “Is that two words?”

Park In Peace

Pat and Nick are looking for a place to park in town. Pat says, “I’ll park in that car park next to the cemetery.” Nick replies, “You can’t park there, it says, “Parking Fool” on that sign and we’re no idiots.” Pat says, “You thick, it says, “Parking F-u-l-l. It must be a busy day in the graveyard” Nick replies, “So, what idiots died today?”

Same system, two parties.

Who votes for a conservative in an election? The illiterate illiberal. Who votes for a “liberal?” The liberal illiterate.

Chairman Mao

What is Mao Tse-Tung’s grave? A “Communist” Plot.

Made In China

What’s made in China? Cups and plates.

An Irish Ladder

What does it say on the bottom of an Irish ladder? Start. What does it say on top of an Irish ladder? No Way Out.

Plastered

How do you get covered with 52 pints of beer? Say the drinks are on me.

Irish Jogging

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Nick says, “I am going for a run tonight.” Pat asks, “How fast do you run?” Nick answers, “I run on the spot very fast.” Pat says, “How far do you run on the spot?”

Black Operations

What are the CIA’s Black Ops classified as? Coded 19

Catnapped

What is a catnap? When a kitten is abducted by a man. What is catnip? When a kitten bites the abductor.

Cattle Crossing?

What does a road sign displaying a cow mean? “Warning! Wives ahead!”

Driving The Yanks Mad

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks, “What side do Americans drive on?” Nick replies, “The sea.” Pat says, “You idiot, they drive on roads.” Nick replies, “No, you can’t dive on a road.”

A Pint Of Black

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Nick asks, “Do they like a black in America?” Pat replies, “No, they prefer lager and whiskey.”

Those Darn Kids

Michael is talking to his elderly neighbor, Brian, and he says, “I saw a three-year-old using his scooter on the path because of the busy road.” Brian replies, “He’s a terrorist, send him down!” The next day, Michael says to Brian, “I saw two teenagers being arrested for campaigning to save the planet.” Brian replies, “They’re terrorists, send them down!” The following day, Brian is walking in the park when an infant kicks a football at his head. Later, Michael meets up with Pat in a pub and Pat says, “It’s so sad about your neighbor. Is he dead?” Michael answers, “I’m not sure at all but I saw his coffin.” Pat says, “Well, he’s on his way up to Heaven now.” Michael replies, “No, send him down!”

The Black and Tans

Tommy is in his History class at school and his teacher, Miss Prendergast, asks, “Who drove out the Black and Tans from Ireland?” Tommy puts up his hand and answers, “Saint Patrick, Miss.” The teacher inquires, “Why Saint Patrick, Tommy?” Tommy replies, “Because he drove out all the snakes and vermin from Ireland.”

Begotten

Tommy is in his Religious Education class at school. Miss Prendergast, the teacher, asks, “Who is Jesus?” Tommy puts up his hand and says, “The Son Of God, Miss.” The teacher replies, “That’s correct, Tommy. Well done!” Tommy asks, “Whose son is God?” The teacher answers, “Surely you know the answer to that question, Tommy? God is begotten not made.” Tommy asks, “Can God be got in Tesco?”

Sods

What music do English lumberjacks prefer? Chopin the Bach, after cutting down the London forests. What do Irish lumberjacks prefer? A reel pub peat fire, when Pete returns to the bar with a sod from London.

Dirty Money

Pat and Nick are walking down O’Connell Street, Dublin, when Nick decides to withdraw some cash from an ATM. Nick inserts his card and pin but the pin is rejected, so Nick pulls out his dick and tries to stick it in the slot. Pat cries, “Nick, why are you exposing your prick?” Nick replies, “Because it said,”Your penis not valid, please try again”, so I inserted my penis and it ejected.” Pat says, “No, you thick. It says your pin is not valid!”

Shipwrecked

Robinson Crusoe is living on a remote desert island and he is walking along the shore when he spies a bottle in the sea. He opens the bottle and reads, “This is a message from the government. You have forgotten to renew your TV licence.” The next day, Robinson sees another bottle and opens it. He reads another message, “This is a message from The Postcode Lottery you have won a six months holiday on a remote desert island. Please call this number today.”

Irish Soda Bread

What is Irish Soda Bread made from? A sod of Irish turf. What is Rankin’s Soda Bread made from? The cream of Soda, when a man makes love on Pete.

Chinese Crackers

What is a Chinese cracker? A joke that is so explosively funny that it contains material that is harmful to children.

Melancholy

Pat is in a pub with Nick and Pat says, “You don’t look so well. Are you depressed?” Nick replies, “Yes, I’m melancholic.” Pat inquires, “Are you on the Meds?” Nick replies, “No, you thick. I live on the same street as you?”

Cead Mile Failte

What do the Irish words Cead Mile Failte mean in English? A Hundred Thousand Welcomes, but the Irish say it to you when you leave Ireland.

An Irish Schizophrenic

What is a paranoid schizophrenic in Ireland? A man who believes that he sees little green men, Leprechauns, and men in skirts, Fairies, watching him make love to Margaret Thatcher.

Plastic Paddy

What is a “Plastic Paddy?” Someone who has a bad temper and is made in China.

Peeping Toms

What do they call a man in who pleasures himself while spying at young ladies?, in Britain, a Peeping Tom named after a John Thomas and in Ireland an Ian Paisley.

Filthy Money

Who is Jack Ma? The mother of Jack who raised him, sent him to school and taught him to play Monopoly. Jack is always keen to buy up the red hotels in Mayfair and rent them out to the Banker, who is always interfering and fingering with his assets.

Deja Vu

Nick buys a retrospective bicycle and cycles 25 miles to his home. Nick gets to his door and has a Deja Vu brain flash that he has already bought the bike. So, he cycles back to the dealer and Nick says,”I’ve bought this bike from you before.” The dealer replies, “Yes, this is the sixth time you’ve bought this identical bike and six times I have refunded you.” Nick says, “I don’t remember that.”

The Morgan

A lad steals a classic Morgan car and a police officer arrests and cautions the lad, “You are booked for stealing a car and for under-age driving.” The lad says, “Your wrong there officer, I am Morgan the Midget and here is a hundred thousand pounds for the fine.” The police officer says in surprise, “How can you afford the fine.” The midget replies, “Easily, I made a half a million from being “The Dopey Carrier” in “Snow White Coke and The Sneezy, Sleepy and Happy Dwarfs.”

Running Through

Mary is in her office at Andrex Plc and the Office Manager asks her to copy what the Directors ran through at the Board’s meeting. So, she pulls her knickers down and photo copies her bottom.

Fingers Up!

Tommy is in his Maths class and his teacher, Miss Prendergast, asks,”Tommy, If I put up two hands, how many fingers am I holding up?” Tommy replies, “Eight, miss.” The teacher says, “If I hold up less than two fingers, how many am I holding up?” Tommy replies, “Six, Miss.” Miss Prendergast asks, “How many fingers are there on both hands,Tommy?” Tommy replies, “Eight, as I have two thumbs stuck in my ears, I’m waving eight fingers and poking my tongue at you.”

Spying Tonight

Pete is paranoid about spies tapping his phone, bugging his home and broadcasting programmes based on his life. Pete decides to remove his TV and telephone and move to an isolated rural location with only two neighbours. Pete asks his neighbours if they are spies and they both say no. The next month, one of his neighbours calls around and says he is from BT and wants to install a new telephone line. Pete says, “Well, phone home BT.” Then, the other neighbour calls and says she is from the catalogue and is delivering him a new TV. Pete says, “Well, I don’t remember ordering you. Are you on offer?”

Chinese Pajamas

Why do the Chinese wear striped pajamas at night? It’s because they want to see the stars and stripes.

On A Bender

Pat and Nick are out driving around the Kerry mountains, when Nick says, “Look out Pat, that Zig-Zag sign means drunk drivers ahead for 7 miles.”

The Perfect Landlord

Pete is waiting for his monthly inspection by his Landlord, Mr. Lamb. Pete has spent the whole week tidying up the flat and when Mr.Lamb arrives he says to Pete, “Its perfect but not perfect enough. Put your pans in the cupboard.” So, the following month Pete puts the pans away and Mr. Lamb says, “It’s perfect but not perfect enough. Put your knickers away.” So, Pete tidies away his undies and when the Landlord arrives, he says to Pete, “Its perfect but not perfect enough. Flush your toilet more often.” Pete is so annoyed by his Landlord’s comments that he trashes his whole flat and paints, “My Landlord is a wanker!”, in red on the wall. Mr.Lamb arrives to inspect and says, “Its imperfect but not imperfect enough!”

A Woman’s Problem

A young woman walks into a bar and asks the Landlord, “Do you sell nail varnish?” The Landlord replies, “No, this is a pub.” The woman asks, “Have you any hair colouring?” The Landlord replies, “No, this is a pub.” The lady inquires again, “Do you sell sanitary towels?” The Landlord replies, “No, this is a pub. We sell beer and spirits only.” The woman asks, “Where can I get my Tampax, I’m desperate?” The Landlord answers, “In the chemist. There’s one on both sides of this pub.”

The Regular

Pat walks into a bar and is about to sit on a stool when a man says, “You can’t sit there, it’s mine mate.” Pat walks over to a slot machine and the man says, “You can’t play on that machine, only I play on that one, mate.” So, Pat walks over to the dart board and asks the man if he could play on the board. “No, mate. Its mine.” Pat asks, “What’s your problem?” The man says, “I am the regular here.” Pat says, “Okay. I will ask the Landlord for a pint.” The man replies, “No problem, mate. What would you like?”

How Soup or Sweet?

You can’t pea soup but you can have a sweet pea.

Irish Potatoes

What are Spuds? The Irish labourers on a building site. What are Prat-ies? The owners of the Irish building company.

Xmas Orgies

What do you find on top of an Irish Xmas tree? An Irish Fairy What do you find on top of an Irish Fairy? Santa Claus. What do you find on top of Santa Claus? An orgy of 12 Elves giving Santa little presents of white cream to accompany the mincing.

Santa Comes!

It is Christmas Eve and Tommy’s Dad, Pat, walks into Tommy’s bedroom. Pat says, “If you leave 50p for Santa, he will fill your stocking.” The next morning, Pat asks Tommy whether he saw Santa. Tommy replies, “I did, but the stocking is empty!” Pat replies, “Sorry son, but I needed the 50p for the gas metre.” Tommy says, “So, there are no presents?” Pat chuckles and says, “Yes there are, baked mince pies and stuffed Rudolph. The Leprechauns have left a pot of Gold too, at the end of a Rainbow, before I liquidized them into pea soup.”

Autumn Fool

Pat and Nick are driving around Dublin when Nick speaks, “Isn’t it a beautiful sight to see, the shades of Autumn reflected on the trees. Fantastic bright shades of red, orange and green leaves. Can you see them, Pat?” Nick points ahead. Pat stops the car and says, “They’re not trees, you thick. They’re traffic lights.”

The Omega Man

Pat visits Nick at his home and he fights his way through crates of salmon, sardines and mackerel. Pat asks, “What in Heaven’s name are all these boxes of fish doing here?” Nick answers, “They contain Omega oils to help build new healthy brain cells.” Pat says, “Oh Christ. That is serious. How did you lose your brain, Nick?”

The Entertainers

What do Michael Barrymore and Elton John have in common? They both had work experience, with women on the job. They worked long hours, for no pay with no job satisfaction. Now, they’re on the job for few hours, with great pay and a load of stimulating adult entertainment.

Tom And Jerry

Why does Tom never eat Jerry? Because that would be the end of the Tale and because 9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas.

Breakfast In Scotland

What is the most popular breakfast in Scotland? Single Malt Shreddies. What is the least common sight in prisons? Quakers doing porridge.

A Rare Sight

What is the least common sign you will see in Dublin? A Tax Disc.

Gone Fishing

Pat and Nick are driving around the Wicklow Mountains, when Nick suddenly shouts, “Hey Pat, stop the car I want to buy some fish at that fish farm.” Pat replies, “Nick, you can buy fish at a supermarket.” Nick says, “No, you idiot. Where can you buy goldfish at Tesco?”

An Irish Sack Race

What is an Irish Sack race? A race in a sack and this usually takes two weeks, while they eat the potatoes. An Egg and Spoon Race is when the competitors wait 3 minutes before they run with a boiled egg.

Sex In A Covid Climate

Nick walks into a Pharmacy and asks for the most effective anti-virus mask. The Pharmacist says, “Would you prefer one with a filter?” Nick answers, “Will it filter out the Covid?” The Pharmacist says, “Yes, to be sure it will.” Nick ventures,” And will it be made of washable cotton?” The Pharmacist nods and replies, “To be sure it will. Is it for yourself?” Nick answers, “No, its for my wife.” The Pharmacist says, “That will be 49 euros. Would you like a paper bag?” Nick asks, “Yes. Will the mask improve our sex life?” The Pharmacist adds, “No, but the paper bag will.”

Sex And The Police

What do the police say when arresting Lesbians, “Les Be In The Police Station.” What do the police say when arresting Gay men, “You’ve been caught with your trousers down in The Home O’ Sex You.” What do the police say to Heterosexual men who enjoy S & M with their partners? “You’ve been caught red-handed. Would you like some handcuffs?”

Jack

Pat and Nick are walking up O’Connell Street, Dublin, and Pat says, “Have you heard about Jack Charlton?” Nick replies, “How is the old fella?” Pat answers, “I don’t know. He’s dead.” Pat says, “My wife is like a Jack. She has a face like a Jack Russell and is very snappy.”

Gossips

Irish pubs have a sign over the counter, “Don’t waste your valuable drinking time by gossiping, we’ll do plenty of that when you leave.”

The Birds

Nick walks into a pet shop and asks the assistant for two balls of fat. “Are they for your birds?” Nick answers, “No, they’re for myself. My wife has two already.” The assistant ventures, “Would you like seeds with your balls?” Nick answers, “Why? Do you sell Viagra?”

The Chicken Farm

Pat is visiting a chicken farm and the farmer asks, “Would you like a Cock?” Pat replies, “No, I want a chicken.”

The Flintstones

What are the Irish words for, “The Flintstones?” Yabba-Dabba-Do.

The Recluse

The Police are called to a home in Galway, after responding to reports of crying all through the night. The police discover a 90-year-old man who has never been outside in his entire life. When asking his name the man replies, “Da, Da, Ba, Ba.”They leave the premises without charging the suspect, after changing the man’s nappy and milk bottle.

The Sniffer

Pete is doing some washing and he catches his neighbour sniffing his underpants. “What on Earth do you think you’re doing?”, he yells. “Just admiring your lovely scent. They’re dry now.”, the woman answers. Pete says angrily, “If you like I can get you a pair of wet knickers washed in my Fairy’s Liquid.”

A Bit Fruity

Where can you buy Bakewell Tarts? Soho!

The Drunk Magician

A drunk Magician is stopped by the police and asked to blow into a bag. The police say, “We can’t accept that, it says “Happy 5th Birthday.””

Sex Can Kill

What happened to the man who died of too much sex and drink? He pissed away quietly at the age of 21. The police said he was found stoned dead with an appliance at his desk in Scotland Yard. Two policemen tried to stimulate him but his girl friend intervened.

The Reluctant Billionaire

Nick wins a billion on the Lottery and he decides to travel to London to spend all of his winnings. So, he stops every person in the street and gives each of them £1000. When Nick returns home he meets up with his mate, Pat. Nick says, “Pat, I’ve given all my cash away.” Pat in surprise asks, “Why did you give away a Billion for Christ’s sake?” Nick replies, “So, they all promise to buy me free beer for life.” Pat looks in amaze, “Nick, when you win next weeks lottery make sure you give me a thousand.” Nick answers, “No Pat, I can’t do that I’ve promised the wife we’ll spend the next Billion on buying Wetherspoons.”

A Ton Of Bricks

Tommy is in Miss Prendergast’s Maths class and she asks, ” What would be worse, a ton of bricks falling on you or a ton of feathers?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Neither, Miss, because a ton of feathers would just tickle you and a ton of bricks would give you a nice home to live in.”

Twelve Forever

A man walks into a bar and the Landlord jokes and says, “You look too young to be over 18. How old are you?” Barney replies, “I am 69. Why?” The Landlord declares, “Well you appear like and act like a 12 year old.” Barney answers, “Well, I can prove my age with my bus pass.” Barney pulls out an ID card and shows it to the Landlord. “That’s a school bus pass showing you are 12 years old.”, says the Landlord. Barney replies, “No, it must be the wrong pass. I am definitely 69 years old! I remember counting the candles on my Birthday cake.”

The Lib-Lab-Cons

My wife is in labour, my son is in the University liberalry and my daughter is conserving all her passion for the next erection.

The Sexy ATM

What does the new sexy ATM do? It takes your number, you insert in a slot, there’s a groaning sound and it ejects.

Old Jamaican

Who was Red Rum and where was he born and raised? He was the dark Old Jamaican, born in a village and he had a big raise on, when he had a ride.

The Lamborghini

Nick’s Uncle was going on holiday to Italy, so he asked Nick if he would take care of his Lamborghini, while he was away. Nick agreed and two weeks later his Uncle returned from Italy and Nick says, “Uncle Tom, I couldn’t find your lamb or guinea pig but I fed your hamster instead.”

The Work Ethic

Pat walks into a bar in Dublin and he says to the Landlord, “Who are those miserable and depressed men in the corner?” The Landlord replies, “Oh, they’re the English Self-Employed Conservative Association. They’ve just won a Billion on the Lottery and they’re worried about giving up their jobs.”

Lap It Up

Why do cats prefer to sit on men’s laps? They know that men like pussies and Gay men prefer Poodles because they’re always licking their balls.

Adam and Eve

Nick is on a radio quiz show and the questioner asks, “What started the human race? I’ll give you a clue, a type of fruit.” Nick ponders and replies, “A Cox!”

A Bear Hug

What is bear that has brown hair, brown eyes and a big dick? A male nudist cuddling his wife.

Senorita

What does a Chinese man call a Spanish woman who eats dogs? Seenyoueather.

Pull The Udder One

What is a sheep farmer? A sex addict in wellies. What is a Dairy and Bull farmer? A Bi-sexual who enjoys playing with the cows’ nipples and who enjoys milking the bulls and his balls too.

Not So Gay

Pat and Nick are in a pub and Pat asks, “How is your mate Pete?” Nick answers, “Oh, He has depression and now he’s on the pills.” Pat inquires, “Was it his boy friend who drove him to the drink?” Nick says, “No, it was the taxi driver.” Pat claims, “So, he doesn’t drink Pils at all?” Nick replies, “No, he drinks Guinness with his pills.”

Passing On

Nick is walking up O’Connell Street, Dublin, when he meets his mate Pat. “How is Michael these days?”, asks Nick. Pat replies, “He passed on last week. It was a lovely funeral. Hundreds of mourners and a wonderful epitaph. Bright bronze handles on his Oak coffin. There were tears rolling down my face. He’s at rest now. God Bless his soul.” Nick says, “So, will you see him tomorrow at the Guinness brewery?” Pat answers, “He passed on last week. It was a lovely funeral…”

A Mug

Nick is withdrawing cash from an ATM, when a youth in a tracksuit and a baseball cap pulls out a knife and says, “Give us your cash mate” Nick in shock replies, “But I only have £10.” The youth bawls, “That’s more than I’ve got mate. I don’t have any food, clothes or heating for my family. I’ve got nothing. Do you know what I mean?” Nick hands over £10 and the youth gives Nick back £9.70. The youth says, “Cheers mate. I’ve got the bus fare now for my new job as a financial analyst in the City.”

Catatonic

What animals are the biggest gossips? Cats because they have group pow-wows at night. Cats gossip about how big your bod is, whether you wear Y-Fronts and how many orgasms your wife has during intercourse. That is except for catatonics, who prefer a milk tonic from your wife, when shes pregnant.

Moped Riders

What is an English moped rider? A 17 year old lad who is told by his doctor that he is a heart donor. What is an Irish moped rider? A 17 year old lad who has been told by his doctor that he is a brain donor.

Flagellation

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks, “What was life for you like as a young lad?” Nick answers,”I was hit by a cane, slipper and a whip.” Pat claims, “That is so shocking. Well, at least you are over all that now.” Nick sighs and replies, “No, since I married I have been hit by a cane, slipper and whip.” Pat says, “Oh, that is awful. Why does your wife do that?” Nick replies, “It isn’t my wife. It’s Miss Whiplash from next door. Then, my wife hits me with a frying pan, a rolling pin and a colander too.”

Snap, Crackle and Pop

What kind of psycho pleasures himself at breakfast? A cereal wanker.

E-Bikes

What type of bicycle does a psychopath prefer? An Violently Friendly bike.

Spreads

Tommy is in Miss Prendergast’s class at school and the teacher asks, “What do you do if Coronavirus spreads?” Tommy raises his hand and replies, “We don’t have those at home, Miss. Do you do the same as with peanut butter?”

The Jab

Pat is walking up Grafton Street in Dublin when he spies his friend Nick. Pat asks, “Where are you off to?” Nick replies, “I am going to get my BCG.” Pat inquires, “Is your degree in Medicine?”

The Tesco Midwife

Pat answers the door and a woman in a Tesco uniform says, “I am here to deliver. Your wife ordered it.” Pat replies, “You must be the Midwife. I didn’t know she was pregnant and I know for certain it isn’t mine.”

The Human Race

Nick and Pete,are in a pub and Nick asks, “Who created Homo Sapiens?” Pete replies, “A Gay Tree Surgeon.”

Covid 19 Jobs

What is an Irish hand sanitizer? A hand job. What does a warm air dryer do? A blow job.

Irish Cream

What is a spunky woman in Ireland? A woman addicted to Guinness, who had her fill of heads of cream.

Heaven and Hell

What is Heaven to Irishmen? Eternal life in the Guinness factory. What is Hell for Irishmen? Spending all eternity without a pub and a bedroom.

King Cat Of The Road

What happens to a psychopathic drunk driver who harms a cat? In his next life he returns as a stoned rat who is hit by a milk lorry.

A Good Whipping

What do you call an ice cream vendor who drives his van into a wall and enjoys the whiplash? Mr Whippy. What do you call an ice cream man who gets beaten up by a gang of infants for not sprinkling chocolate on their ices? Mr Softy.

Johnny Be Good

Nick is in a art class and asks a fellow student, “Can I have your rubber Johnny?” Johnny replies, “No, you can’t, I’m using it.” Nick says, “But you are not drawing anything.” Johnny answers, “I know but I keep it for when the tutor bends over and I make a mess of it.”

More Sex Please?

What did the priest’s wife say when having sex? “More, more, more!” The priest replied, “Come again?”

Swingers

Where do Swingers have sex parties? In shared ownership homes. Gay swingers have sex in the closet and the S&M Swingers have sex in the master bedroom

Happy Shopper

Nick met his mate Pete in a supermarket. Nick asks, “What are you shopping for?” Pete replies, “Some bread, a bottle of sauce and some fruit and veg.” Nick declares, “How about a loaf of Mother’s Pride?” Pete answers, “No, I’m not a mum.” Nick inquires, “Okay. How about a bottle of Daddies Sauce?” Pete replies, “No, I’m not a Dad. I’m Gay.” Nick smiles and says, “Well, if you go round the back, there are cucumbers and bananas.” Pete replies, “Are the bananas straight?” Nick says, “No, they are bent ones!”

Social Distancing

Who is an Irish monk who lives alone on a desert island? The only Irishman who takes social distancing seriously and doesn’t wear a face mask or wash his hands.

Too Cheeky!

What is an Irish cheeky chappy? A nine year old boy who walks into a bar, says the drinks are on him, orders 39 Cokes, and asks the barman for credit.

Irish Maths

What is a percentage? A perverted century old man.

An Irish Queue

How do the Irish queue? They begin at the front and move backwards.

The Irish Mechanic

What is an Irish mechanic? A man who builds Meccano construction sets.

The Shillelagh

An Englishman walks into a bar and says in a drunken voice, “Why are the Irish so shy and lazy?” Pat replies, “If you don’t shut your gob I will get my shillelagh.” The Englishman answers, “Why is he shy and lazy too?”

On A Roll

Nick is out shopping at a supermarket and he sees his mate, Pete, and says,”What are you looking for?” Pete replies, “Oh, only lots of cheap toilet tissue.” Nick says, “They’re in the next aisle, a family pack of 20 rolls for the price of two.” Pete answers, “Oh no, I can’t buy those.” Nick inquires, “Why not?” Pete says, “I don’t qualify for the offer. I’m a bachelor.”

The Hermit

An Irish hermit is unhappy with his damp council house, so he arranges a mutual exchange with a tortoise. Now, the hermit lives happily in a tortoise shell and the tortoise lives happily as a crab, next door to a snapping old terrapin and a supercilious old turtle.

Laughing At Misery

Pat and his mate, Nick, are in a pub. Pat says, “Have you seen that Englishman who comes in here looking miserable, depressed and paranoid?” Nick answers, “No. What does the old gob shite do?” Pat says, “He watches TV all day and he says that all the people are laughing at him.” Nick adds, “So, he doesn’t work then?” Pat replies, “Yes, he does. He’s Buster Bailey, England’s top comedian.”

Changing The Light Bulb

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one with a degree in Engineering and a village idiot to switch off the electric.

The Comical Liar

When do you know an Irish comedian is telling a lie? When he says, “An Irishman walked out of a pub and…”

The Irish Electrician

What is an Irish electrician? A man who has ECT because he’s got a screw missing. In fact, he’s never had one after being married for twenty years..

Cocoa Nuts

The Irish are such a docile and laid-back race that they drink Cocoa as a stimulant, in the morning, and they drink Red Bull as a sleeping aid.

Flagellation

Where is the American Society Of Flagellation based? Arseinsaw.

The Nephew

What’s nephew? The same as Denise flew, an Airbus.

See Me!

Tommy is in his English class and his teacher, Miss Prendergast, is returning marked homework to the children. Tommy opens up his creative writing book and reads, “See Me!” in red ink at the end of a page. Tommy writes, “Yes, I can see you, Miss. Can you see me or do you need to go to Specsavers?”

The Silly Boy

Tommy is in an Irish Art class and his teacher, Miss Prendergast, asks Tommy “Why have you not used a pen or pencil to draw a bonfire, as you were told to do?” Tommy replies confidently, “‘Cos Miss, I thought a pencilly and a pen a bit of a pencilly and I think you are silly, Miss.” The teacher angrily says, “You must come from a very idiotic family, Tommy Murphy” He adds, “Miss, how did you know I was Irish?”

Blasphemy

Tommy is at school and learning about religion. Miss Prendergast, the teacher, asks the class, “What does Jesus on the Cross mean to you?” Tommy raises his hand, “I know, Miss. A poor man because he only had one pair of pants, long hair and a beard, and no shoes.” The teacher asks, “Who was he the Son of?” Tommy replies, “Two peasants on the dole, Miss.”

Twitters

Twitter in America is good enough for Presidents and in England Twittering is good for gossiping old women, and in Ireland it is good for twits.

Defamation Of Character

Defamation of character in Britain is when the Landlord refuses to serve an Englishman another bitter shandy and in Ireland it is defamation when an Englishman offers to buy an Irishman a half pint of Guinness.

The Phone Shop

Nick walks into a phone shop. The sales assistant approaches Nick and says, “What type would you enjoy? Hands grip or hands free?”Nick says, “Hands grip please.” The young sales assistant replies, “I have it around the back of the shop.” Nick is excited, “Why? Can’t we do it in the front of the shop?”

Wo Be Told You

What is the difference between men and women? Lots of woe.

The Butcher And The Dogs

Twenty or so male dogs are drooling at the mouth watching the Butcher’s wife slicing up the meat. Pat walks into the shop and asks the Butcher what the dogs are doing. The Butcher answers, “They are waiting for my bitch to go for a walk.” Pat says, “She must be a beautiful dog.” The Butcher replies, “No, my wife has been ugly and fat since we first married.”

A Good Ride

Nick walks into a bicycle shop and asks, “Who is a Hybrid bike suitable for?” The assistant replies, “Someone who enjoys it both ways.” Nick declares, “That would be fine for me. How about that one without a saddle?” The assistant replies, “That’s ideal for a good ride” Nick says, “That would be fine for my mate, Pete. Have you one for my wife?” The assistant replies, “How about an Electric bike?” Nick says, “Yes, that’s fine. Does it vibrate too?”

The Bottom Of It All

Pat comes home to his wife and finds a man examining her bottom. Pat in shock bawls, “What in Heaven’s name are you doing to my wife?” The man replies, “I’m a research scientist looking for black holes.” Pat says, “You dirty, filthy pervert. You should’ve asked me”

One In Ten

Nick’s wife is having her tenth baby and she tells Nick that she is going shopping to buy pink nappies, pink baby gowns and pink socks. Nick says, “Why are you buying pink clothes for a boy?” His wife replies, “Because I read that 1 in 10 children grow up to be homosexual.”

Flight Interference

What does a Protestant pilot do when he is interfered with by turbulence? He safely ejaculates himself with the cabin crew, while the Catholic pilot pulls out at the last moment.

Hens and Cocks

What bird does lay a Hen? A Cock-A-Doodle-Do!

Down On The Farm

When Pat married his wife, he bought an old dairy farm. Later, Pat sold the farm and now he’s left with an old cow.

The Subway

Nick is visiting New York and enters the Subway and asks for a ticket to downtown Manhattan. The girl at the counter says. “Is that with or without salad?”

The Quick Smoke

Pat and his mate, Nick, are waiting for the Limerick train at a Dublin Station. Nick says, “I am going for a quick smoke.” He walks away and he lights up a cigarette while sitting on a fence. Pat shouts, “Nick, you thick, you can’t smoke anywhere on the station.” Nick replies, “Oh, you are wrong there Pat. It says on that notice, “Smoking is on fence”.”Pat bawls, “No, you idiot, it says,”Smoking is an offence!””

Out For The Count

An Englishman walks into a Dublin bar and asks Nick, “Why are the Irish always so drunk and disorderly?” Nick replies, “I’ll answer that when we are both conscious in the morning.” Whack!

The Post Office

Tommy is at school and his teacher, Miss Prendergast asks, “Children, can you find a school, a public house and a post office on your maps?” One boy raises his hand and says, “Sch. Miss.” A girl says, “PH.” and Tommy says, “PO.” Miss Prendergast inquires, “What did you say, Tommy?” Tommy replies, “P. Off. Miss.”

Missing

Tommy is at school and his teacher asks, “What would you do if you lost your parents at the shopping arcade?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Be an orphan, Miss.”

An Emergency

Tommy is at school and Miss Prendergast, the teacher, asks, “What number do you call if there is an emergency at your home?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “666, Miss.” The teacher replies, “No, Tommy. Where did you learn that?” Tommy says, “At home because when my parents fight, my Dad tells my Mum to go to Hell!”

Stepping It Out

What propaganda did the Germans use in the 2nd World War? Goosey, Goosey Ganda.

The One Pint

Pat and Nick are in the pub having a few pints. Pat asks Nick, “How is Michael these days?” Nick answers, “He died, the day before yesterday.” Pat says, “How awful, that is so sad. Was it the smoking?” Nick replies, “No, he smoked 60 a day and it wasn’t the fags.” Pat inquires, “Was it the drink that killed him?” Nick replies, “No, he was teetotal all his life but he bought one for the road and a bus ran over him!”

The Driving Test

Nick is having a driving test and the examiner asks, “Can you name one common sign on the roadside?” Nick thinks, it happens, and replies, “Farmhouse Cider. Bring your own bottle.”

Chavs

A hooded Chav is raiding a grocery shop. The young man says to the owner, “Give us your cash or I’ll take your life mate!” He replies, “Not at all. My life is so miserable and hard, I will pay you money if you take my life mate.” The Chav bawls, “Where is your wife mate?”

The Good Samaritan

Pat is depressed about the Lockdown, so he calls a helpline. A lady answers the phone, “This is Samaritans. My name is Sam. What’s yours?” Pat replies, “Pat Reilly. Why? Don’t you know me?” “How can I help?”, says the Samaritan. Pat replies, “How did you know I needed help?” The lady answers, “We are here to help anyone in distress.” Pat says, “Yes, can I speak to Marie with the tan. She helps me with De Stress”

The Meaning Of Covid 19

What is “Covid 19” in Ireland? Counting to 19 and playing Hide and Seek.

Hanging On

Michael is repairing tiles on his roof, when he slips and catches the gutter with his fingers. Michael shouts to Pat, who is on the pavement, “Help, Pat, I’m losing my grip!” Pat replies, “Hang on there, Michael. Listen to me. I am calling for the fire service.” Michael shouts,”I am really scared. Please help!” Pat replies, “The firemen are on their way. Just you relax, take a deep breath and let go.” Thump!

The Maze

Pat and Nick are lost in a public Maze, when a snow blizzard blocks their way out. “How in God’s name are we going to get out of this Maze?”, asks Pat. Nick replies, “We need a Chopper like in that film, “The Shining.” Pat says, “How are we going to find a bicycle shop?” Nick answers, “I know, We could use the Snowmobiles, by the Exit.”

Imagine

Pat says to his doctor, “Doctor, I went to bed with a beautiful, young woman with blonde hair, big breasts and a body like Marilyn Monroe.” The doctor replies, “You are so fortunate to have such a gorgeous wife.” Nick asks, “What can you do for hallucinations?” The Doctor asks, “Why? Does your wife go to bed with a handsome man like Kennedy?”

The Bottom Of The Glass

Nick and Pat are in the bar and they’re enjoying a pint. Pat asks, “What does it say on the bottom of the glass?” Nick replies, “I’ll have a look.” Nick reads what it says, “If you are reading this you have just poured a pint on your trousers.”

Crosswords

Pat is in the pub and he is filling in a crossword. Pat says, “Ah, this word is very tricky. It has four letters and begins with B and end in R. It must be Boar. ” Nick answers, “No, you thick idiot. It is Beer.” Pat asks, “How do you spell Beer?” Nick says, “What type of beer?”

It All Adds Up

Nick walks into a pub and asks for one half of a pint of beer. Nick hastily downs the half and then asks for a third of a pint, and then a quarter. The Landlord, O’Malley, inquires, “Are you joking?” Nick replies, “No, I am learning to add fractions.” The Landlord is puzzled, “Why? You are not learning Arithmetic, are you?” Nick declares, “No, I am studying for my Doctorate in Quantum Physics.”

The Easter Rising

An Englishman is walking into the GPO in O’Connell Street, Dublin, the centre of the Easter Rising in 1916. The man is observing portraits on the wall of the Irishmen who died for Ireland. He then decides to purchase some copies of the portraits. The Irish postal clerk says, “They’re all free now.” The Englishman declares,”No, it says 20 cents on the labels.”

The Chemist

Nick walks into a chemist with his friend, Gavin. Nick asks the chemist, “Have you anything for my upset stomach?” The chemist replies, “Gaviscon?” Nick says,”No, he is still here. Are you poor sighted?” The chemist replies, “Yes, I am going blind.” Nick thinks for a few minutes and says, “Can you see my wife outside the shop?” The chemist answers, “Yes, and she looks very attractive. You are a very lucky man.” Nick says, “No, you are lucky to be nearly blind.”

Hard Times

Nick is on the dole and his welfare benefits are being cut. Pat, his friend, tells him to economise. So, Nick says, “I know what to do. I will cut back on luxuries, such as soap, toothpaste and bath cleaners.” Pat looks worried, “What will you use instead?” Nick scratches his head and says, “A bog brush to clean everything.” Pat declares, “Nick, you have to think of Hygiene.” Nick looks puzzled, “Why would I say “Hello” to a man who lives in a lamp? Is he brushing his teeth with a toilet brush too?”

Moving Home

Nick is thinking of moving to Glasgow and he calls his local Dublin Estate Agent. Nick asks, “Are the Glasgow people friendly?” The agent says, “Are the people where you live in Dublin friendly?” Nick thinks for 9 minutes and replies, “No, they are rude and offensive.” The agent declares, “Well, if your neighbors are unfriendly in Dublin, you will probably find them unfriendly in Glasgow.” Nick ponders for a while and says, “In that case, I will move to Glasgow and make friends with my new neighbors for life, then maybe I can move away to a place where they are friendly.”

Out Of Uniform

Nick gets a job as a milkman and he is wearing a brand new, starched, white uniform. Nick knocks on a door and a naked, young woman answers the call. Nick begins to drool at the mouth and he is stirring in his groins. Nick says, “You are the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world and I have gone without sex for 12 years.” The woman replies, “It’s your lucky day, handsome. I am an off duty police officer. Come up to my bedroom and we’ll have fantastic sex.” Nick follows her up the stairs and they have intercourse for two hours. At the end of their love-making, the young police woman says,”That is the best sex I’ve had in my life. How about you?” Nick quickly pulls on his uniform and says, “I didn’t enjoy it at all.” the woman is shocked, “But you made love like Omar Sharif. What’s wrong?” Nick replies, “I prefer a woman in uniform.”

Nobody

A man with only a head and shoulders walks into a pub and he says, “I am so depressed, miserable and lonely. I need a drink.” The Landlord says, “I can see you have no body and I’ll be your mate, if you do something about my dandruff.”

The Pub With No Beer

Pat’s is celebrating his 50th birthday at the pub. The Landlord, Murphy, says, “Sorry, Pat, we are totally out of beer.” Pat asks, “Why? Have the All-Ireland Rugby team been here again?” The Landlord replies, “No, it was Father Jack again.” Pat asks, Can I have a soft drink instead?” The Landlord answers, “We only sell Coke.” Pat says, “I didn’t know pubs sold dope as well.” The Landlord replies, “How much would you give for my wife?” Pat asks, “Why does she carry dopes?”

The Grandfather

Nick is in the pub with his friend, Pat. Nick asks, “What did your grandfather do?” Pat replies, “He survived the Great Famine, fought in the Irish Rebellion and sold match boxes during the Great Depression.” Nick is amazed, “Your Grandfather was truly incredible to survive hunger pains, rifle shot and hardly any money. Where is he now?” Pat replies, “He is at University. He is a skeleton in the Anatomy Department.”

Out Of Paper

Pat is at home with his wife and asks, “Have you still got arthritis in your right hand?” Pat’s wife says, “I have. Why?” Pat replies, “Because we’ve run out of toilet rolls.” The wife asks, “What are you going to do?” Pat answers, “I’ll be fine as I am left-handed.”

The Smelly Bar

Nick walks into a Galway Bar and he says to the Landlord, O’ Grady, “I’ve come to escape the shower. Make mine a brandy.” Nick peers at the fire and says, “I can smell peat in here.” The Landlord asks, “Why? Has he not had a shower too?”

Bending the Knee

The Catholics in Ireland don’t get arthritis because they spend their time bending the knee at Mass, and the Protestants don’t get backache because they leave it to the Catholics, to do all the bending over backwards.

Dirty Words

Pat and Nick are playing scrabble and downing cans of beer. Nick says, “Am I allowed to use this word for triple points?” Pat answers, “How many letters has it got?” Nick says, “It has four and begins with “F” and ends with “K”. Pat adds,”That is a filthy, dirty, slang word. You can’t use obscene words.” Nick replies, “It is not a dirty word, Pat. It is what we do when we remember dirty words.” Pat looks confused, “How are you spelling this word?” Nick says, “F-I-N-K.” Pat declares, “That’s fine., for a moment I thought you were spelling “Think.””

The Fastest Car In Ireland

Nick is visiting his bank and he asks the manager for a loan. The manager inquires, “What do you need a loan for?” Nick says, “The newest electric car in Ireland that is fully automated. There is no need to brake or steer the car and it does 300 miles an hour on the motorway.” The manager looks grim, “How much do you need?” Nick says, “Could you lend me 50,000 euros?” The manager replies, “Yes, if you promise not to overtake me on the motorway.” Nick replies, “Why have you got one too?”

Last Orders

It is closing time in the evening and the Landlord wants to close the bar quickly, so he shouts, “Lads, your wives have just left the Bingo and are coming in for a quickie.”

The Poteen

Nick walks into a pub and says, “That bottle of Poteen you gave me last night made me very happy. Why did you give it to me?” The Landlord, replies, “To get you out of your misery.” Nick says, “It worked perfectly but I’m feeling depressed. Can you give me the same again?” Smash!

The Tortoises

Pat walks into a bar and asks, “What are those Tortoises doing in the corner?” The Landlord replies, “Oh, those are the English hiding in their shells.” Pat says, “But they are not drinking.” The Landlord says, “That’s because they have been hibernating, all Winter, waiting for the happy hour.”The Landlord shouts at the Tortoises, “Have you no homes to go to?” Pat adds, “They are not listening at all. They must have very thick skin!” “Yes”, says the Landlord, “But not as thick as us.”

The Schizoid Wife

Pat is in confession and he tells the priest that he is committing adultery with two women. The priest asks, “Have you forgotten where you made your marriage vows?” Pat answers, “No, they lasted only two weeks and were made in China.”

The High IQ Job

Nick is having his annual interview at the Job Centre and the agent says, “Are you able to mop a floor?” Nick replies, “Yes, I use a mop every day I come home from the pub.” The agent continues, “Here is the ideal job for you: a janitor at a University.” Nick says, “That’s fantastic. When can I start?” The agent says, “You’ve got the job.” Nick replies, “Oh, that’s grand. I’ll get my Unemployment Rights Lawyer to fight my case!”

Morris

Pat asks Nick, “What Van are most Irish college boys into?” Nick replies, “A Van Morris.” Pat continues, “And what are most English public schoolboys into?” Nick thinks, “Ah, Morris Minor.”

Cunning Lingus

Why is Ireland’s most popular airline named Aer Lingus? Its because the owners are very cunning, the plane lingers over Ireland, the flights are not stimulating and it is filthy dirty.

The Islands

Tommy is in a Biology class and Miss Prendergast asks, “Where are the Hemorrhoids?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Off the coast of Scotland, Miss.” The teacher asks, “And how do you get to see them from Ireland?” Tommy thinks for 13 minutes and replies, “Go on a cruise with P.O.”The teacher continues, “What does P and O stand for?” Tommy replies, “What you tell us to do at the end of school.”

The Brothel

Nick is at the bar talking to the Landlord, Mr.O’Hoolihan. Nick asks, “I hear that you might be closing down your business. You’re not are you?” The Landlord replies, “To be sure I am. The virus has put me out of a job.” Nick asks, “What in heavens name will you do?” Pat replies, “I am going to open a Brothel and sell super sex.” Nick says, “So, you won’t be selling broth at all. Can I have the sex instead?” The Landlord replies, “Yes, you can. It is all safe sex.” Nick says, “Can I have it in a bedroom?”

Nuts

Tommy is in his English class and the teacher, Miss Prendergast, asks, “How do you spell eccentric?” Tommy thinks for eleven minutes and replies, “E-L-E-C-T-R-I-C.” The teacher asks again, “How do you spell Boris?” Tommy replies, “M-A-D.”

An Irish Teetotaler

Pat asks Nick, “What is an Irish teetotaler?” Nick says, “Someone who fills up his engine with tea at a Total petrol station.” Pat says, “No, Nick, you thick. It is someone who has alcoholic diarrhea and frequently passes a pub, and what is Detox?” Nick answers, “Ah, that is simple. It kills 99% of all bacteria and viruses.”

The Wicker Man

Pat is in the pub with his friend, Nick. Pat asks,”Have you seen Paddy lately?” Nick replies, “I have shocking news to tell you, he died a week ago tomorrow.” Pat says,”Was it the smoke?” Nick replies, “Yes, he volunteered to be in the Pagan Wicker Man, with his faithful dog.” Pat says, “Why did he want to die?” Nick replies, “He thought it would be quicker than Global Warming.” Pat says, “But he was 87.” Nick replies, “Yes, but he wanted to live to 88.” Pat asks, “Did he have a last wish?” Nick replies, “Paddy’s final wish was to have a quick smoke and a hot dog before he died.”

An Irish Mile

Tommy is in the school classroom and Miss Prendergast asks, “How long is an Irish mile?” Tommy raises his hand and says,”I know miss. It is one and a quarter English miles.” Miss asks, “And if you round it up to the nearest English mile, how long would an Irish mile be?” Tommy replies, “Two miles, Miss.” Miss Prendergast says, “What would be the nearest English mile to five and a half Irish miles, if you rounded it up?” Tommy replies, “Ten miles, Miss.” Miss asks, “Tommy, would you cross the room and get the dictionary for me?” Tommy replies, “I can’t Miss, it is a mile away!”

Frankfurt

Tommy is in the German class and Miss Prendergast asks, “Where is Frankfurt?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “In Frank’s pants, Miss.” Miss asks, “What are six Frankfurters?” Tommy thinks for several minutes and replies, “Frank’s furters are Mr. O’Connell, Mr. Brown, Mr. O’Reilly, Mr. Parnell, Mr. O’ Shea and Mr. Collins and I don’t know the others, Miss!”

Aliens

Some boys are at the cinema and ask for tickets to see Aliens. The ticket clerk says, “You have to be over 18 to see that film.” One of the 12 year old boys says, “There’s over 21 of us!”

The Iron Lady

Tommy is at school and the teacher asks the class, “Who was The Iron Lady?” Tommy puts up his hand and says, “She was like the Tin Man, Miss. She didn’t have a heart like the Tin Man and she didn’t have a brain like the Straw Man.” The school teacher replies, “No Tommy, that’s a truly nasty thing to say. Write 1000 lines, “I will not say nasty things about politicians.” Does anyone remember who the Wicked Witch was?””

Fairy Liquid

What do the Irish think Fairy Liquid is made from? Liquidized Leprechauns

I-Spy

An Irish fairy and a Leprechaun walk into a Boston bar and the Landlord asks the Fairy, “What do you do?” The Fairy replies, “I hide in peoples’ gardens at night.” The Landlord asks the Leprechaun, “What do you do?” He replies, “I sit in the bogs.” The landlord says, “Would you sit on my bog?” The Leprechaun says, “Why? Are you a fairy too?”

The Three Tools

Pat is working on the building site and the gaffer asks him to get three tools. So, Nick visits a DIY shop and asks, “Have you three tools if its no bother at all?” The shopkeeper replies, “Not at all, not at all, not at all.” Nick says, “So, you don’t have any tools. No bother at all. I will try another tool shop.”

Round The Bend

In England you use Harpic bleach because you’re round the bend and in Ireland they don’t understand that joke, as they prefer Domestos, because they’re seriously thick.

The Snowman

Tommy and his two brothers and sister, she has three brothers, are at the assembly in school. The Headmaster announces that the popular teacher, Mr. O’Toole. is leaving because of poor health. In England it is called a nervous breakdown and in Ireland it is called an Alco-holy-day. As Tommy and his siblings are walking out of the assembly door they say, “We’re going to build a snowman in memory of you, Sir.” The next week snow falls in Tommy’s family garden and the children build a snowman. His sister asks, “What shall we dress him in?” Tommy thinks for a few minutes and replies, “I know. We will dress him in pajamas and put a pipe in his mouth.” That’s a led pipe if you are poor and live near a church. The snowman is built and well attired. That evening Tommy dreams of the snowman sadly melting in the heavy rain. That’s when the churches are full. The next day, at breakfast Tommy shares with his mother his tragic dream of the melting snowman. Tommy’s Mother says, “I know because you were all sleep walking and you pissed on our bedroom door.” Tommy asks, “What makes you think we were asleep?”

The Paranoid Comedian

Why does Francie, the paranoid comedian, never laugh at his own jokes? Its because he thinks the writer is taking the piss out of him.

The Lazy Irish

Nick walks into a pub and there is an English man at the bar. He asks Nick, “Why are the Irish always lazy and drunk?” Nick replies, “How did you know I live above the pub?”

24 Hours

Pat is in a bar with his mate, Nick. Pat asks, “How is Declan these days?” Nick replies, “It’s truly, very sad, he died. The doctor gave him 24 hours to live because of cancer.” Pat says,”Oh, that is terrible news. So, the cancer killed him?” Nick replies, “Oh no, it was the 24 non-stop sex he had with his wife.”

Working From Home

In England many people are working from home and in Ireland many Irish are working from the pub. Nick was made redundant from his job, he worked full time as a Job Seeker, now he works from home: he bought a pub!

The Leap Year

What do you call an Irishman who works full time? He works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, except every Leap Year, when he works 364 days a year.

Irish Ferries

In England it is well known that Gay men go driving around at night looking for young men. In England they go on a cruise and in Ireland they go on Irish Fairies.

Cheap Tea

Nick walks into a cheap, downtown cafe in Brixton and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. Ten minutes later, the waitress serves him at his table. Nick reads the menu and sees the tea costs 99p. Nick says to himself as the waitress passes by, “I can’t afford that tea.” Nick is convinced that the waitress heard him. Another 10 minutes later the waitress says to Nick, “I’ll get the Bill.” Nick looks worried, “I’ll give you £900 if you don’t call the police.”

An Irish Psychiatrist

What is an Irish Shrink? A suicidal psychiatrist who tries to drown himself in an automatic washing machine and then tries to hang himself out to dry.

There’s an Elephant In The Room

A man walks into a pub with an elephant. The elephant waves its trunk over the bar and the Landlord says, “Did you not read the sign? You didn’t. No luggage allowed!” The man says, “Sorry mate, the elephant can’t read.” The Landlord boils in rage, “Are they piles in the bar?” The man replies, “Would you mind not talking about my itchy arse and have you any scratchings to eat?”

Pussy Galore

Mick applies for a house to rent and the owner asks, “Do you like cats?” The man replies, “Yes, I love them.” The owner says, “Would you mind feeding them?, asks the owner. “Not at all, it’s no bother.”, replies Mick “Could you feed 60 of my beauties.” , asks the owner. “That would be grand. No bother at all.”, Mick says. The man moves into the rented house and the next day, The Irish Independent has on its headline, “Man eat by 60 Tigers!”

A Shaggy Dog Story

A man walks into a pub in the early hours of the morning with his shaggy sheepdog. The Landlord says, “Is it the usual, Pat?” Pat replies, “Yes, before the DTs have their way.” The Landlord pours out a double Scotch and asks, “Have you gone bald?” Pat replies, “Yes, in two places but only my wife knows the other.” The Landlord serves up a beer and says, “Is it hair of the dog today?” “No, its a toupee.”

A Load Of Ballads

Paddy Durkin is in a pub in Dublin and it is traditional music night. The Landlord sees that Paddy has brought with himself, a tin whistle, a Bodhran and a fiddle. The landlord says, “If you play all those instruments, I’ll give you free beer for life.” Paddy smiled and says, “Can you give me £100 instead?” The Landlord replies, “To be sure, Paddy, if you prefer it like so. By the way Paddy, how is your wife Jean and your daughters Kathleen and Maria?” Paddy says, “They’re all doing just fine.” So, Paddy plays all of his instruments and sings Kevin Barry, The Rising Of the Moon and The Men In Green. The Craic and the music is sublime, as Paddy’s voice reaches the ceiling. Later, the Landlord asks Paddy, “Why didn’t you accept the free drink for life?” Paddy smiles,”Oh, I needed the cash to pay off a bet I had with my neighbor, John Smith. He bet me £100 that I would be the greatest plastic paddy in Ireland. Oh dear, they will never believe me when I get back home to Surrey.”

To Let

Pat is driving around Dublin with Nick, who is looking to rent a house. They reach Blackrock and Nick says, “Stop the car, Pat, there is my dream home.” Nick spends two hours surveying the property and then returns to the car. “It says it is to let but It’s too small and only has one room.” Pat says, “You idiot, Nick, it is a toilet.”

The Irish IQ

Why are the Irish so dense? So, the English can understand them, especially in London, as It is very thickly populated.

The Bodhran

The schoolteacher asks the children what a Bodhran is? Tommy puts up his hand and says, “That’s what I do when the bell rings and I run like mad to get home for Spiderman.”

An Irish Tin Whistle

The school teacher asks the class what an Irish tin whistle is? Tommy replies, “It is a tin of pea that Miss blows in the playground.”

The Porsche

Nick is cycling on his electric bike along the High Street, when a Porsche pulls beside him. The driver says, “If I drive at 80 mph could you go as fast as me?” Nick replies, “Oh, to be sure I could. I would be going at 80 mph if I caught up with you at the High Street traffic lights.”

The Mask

A man walks into a pub and shouts,”Sorry, I’ve forgotten my mask.” The man walks out and then walks back in again. He shouts,”Sorry, I’ve forgotten my mask.” The man walks out again and then walks back in again. The landlord asks, “Look, if you need a mask I will give you one.” The man says, “Have you got a sawn – off shotgun? I’ve forgotten that as well.”

The Swiss Exit

Pat is in a Swiss Exit clinic with his old friend, Murphy, who is terminally ill from cancer. Murphy is given a poisonous liquid in a cup and he takes it to a special room with Pat. Ten minutes later, Pat returns to the reception and a doctor asks, “Did Murphy swallow the drink?” Pat says, “No he was too afraid, he was crying and he said he couldn’t kill himself.” The doctor appeared concerned, “Well, call him back here and we’ll counsel him.” Pat says solemnly, “I can’t, doctor.” “Why not?”, asks the doctor. Pat replies, “He shot himself.”

Arthur Guinness

The school teacher is reading out the register for a class of eleven year old children. “Does anyone know where John West is today?” A young boy puts his hand up. “I know miss. He has gone fishing.” The teacher continues, “Where is Arthur Guinness?” The young boy puts his hand up again, “He is at the gate.” “No, Tommy. I can’t see him at the gates.” The young boy replies,”No miss. Arthur is at Peter’s Gates,” The teacher is annoyed, “No, St. Peter’s is for the dead, Tommy. You mean st.James’s Gates?” The young boy replies, “No, Miss. Arthur fell out with James and now he is playing with Peter at his gate. James hit Arthur over the head with a bottle of Guinness!” “Oh! Jesus.”, says the teacher. The young boy says, “He’s absent too miss.”

The Bet

Pat’s wife is going without sex for a year because Pat is spending all the money meant for his children, on booze. Pat returns home, after a skinful and his wife says, “I know you’ve been drinking because I can see it on your beard.” So, the next day, Pat has his beard shaved off and he comes home after a skinful. His wife says, “I know you’ve been drinking because I can smell it on your breath.” So, the next day, Pat returns home after another skinful and his wife says, “I know you’ve been drinking because I can’t hear the sound of coins in your pocket.” So, the next day after another skinful, Pat returns home and his wife says, “What is that noise in your pocket?” Pat gingerly pulls out a vibrator and his wife says, “Ah! You are so kind and sweet Pat. You went without your beer and beard all for me” Then, Pat says, “Not really. I won it in a bet from the barmaid!”

Tweedledum and Tweedledee

Nick is living in England and he is casting his vote in the General Election. He asks his mate Pat who to vote for and Pat replies, “Conservative, Labour or Liberal Democrats.” Nick says, “What do Labour stand for?” Pat replies, “The profit system and fraud.” Nick asks again, “What do the Conservatives stand for?” Pat replies, “The profit system and tricksters.” Nick finally asks, “What do the Liberals stand for?” Pat replies, “The profit system and opportunism.” Nick thinks for a second, “I want to vote for the most genuine leader. The one who can getaway with free pints, turn the water into beer, and bribe the landlord with £500 before he calls the police.”

The Luck Of The Irish

Nick is cycling outside his doctor’s surgery and he skids on a pool of water. The nurses and doctors come rushing out and see to his broken arm. A month later, Nick sees his doctor to check on his injury and walks out into the car park. He looks up into the clear blue, Winter sky, slips on the ice and cracks his head on the pavement. The nurses and doctors come rushing out and bandage his head. The Sister says, “Nick, you don’t want to do that a third time or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life.” Another month later, Nick is having a check-up on his head injury and then walks down some stairs, trips and he goes arse over head till he reaches the basement. The Sister comes rushing out and says, “Nick, you have broken your back, legs and arms. That was your third accident!” Nick painfully replies,”Oh no, Sister. It wasn’t an accident. I didn’t want a life time of bad luck, so I threw myself down the stairs.”

The Schizophrenic Comedian

Pat tries his luck as a comedian and he is performing live at O’ Donahue’s Pub, Dublin. Pat tells one hilarious joke about Ian Paisley and the audience roar in laughter. Pat says, “If you keep on laughing at me I will have to give up.” Pat proceeds and he tells a rib-tickling joke about a tee-total Bishop. The audience begin to throw empty beer bottles and shout abuse at Pat. “I am enjoying the encore.”, says Pat. Pat is standing still with his mouth wide open, while he claps his hands for ten minutes. Nick climbs up the stage and drags Pat away. Nick asks, “Why were you were applauding, as the bottles were being hurled at you?” Pat replies, ” I thought I was an alcoholic seal.” Nick was confused, ” But the bottles were empty.” Pat replies, “Oh no, Nick. I never have that delusion!”

The Great Irish Delusion

What is the most common delusion among the Irish? Thinking that you’ll go home to your wife, after the pub closes.

Man Covers

Nick is driving along the highway with his mate Pat. Suddenly, Nick asks, “What was that bump?” Pat replies, “You’ve just run over a Man-cover.” Nick says in shock, “Why? Was he having sex on the roadway?”

The Wake

Nick is laid to rest in a solid oak coffin and at his wake, which is the Irish for a funeral piss-up, the grieving friends and family spoke of his kindness, gentleness and his full time occupation as a piss artist. “What did he die from?” asks his nephew. Pat replies, “Oh, it is very, very, sad to be sure. Nick died from the virus, very suddenly.” Then, the coffin shook and the lid fell off. Nick raises his head and says, “Where’s my fecking pint?” The mourners choke on their sup and Pat says, “Holy Mother of God, we thought you died from the virus?” Nick laughs, “You fecking idiot. I was only self-isolating!”

The Sinful Guitar

Why is an Irish guitar in the West of Ireland sinful? It plays with itself in the wind and is always wet.

Halo-sinations

Nick is at his doctor’s surgery and Doctor Murphy asks, “How are you feeling today?” Nick replies, “I keep imagining that I am seeing young women running around naked and I also imagine that I am a mule carrying peat, a goat eating clothes and that the Special Branch is onto us. Otherwise, I feel perfectly normal.” The doctor hands out some hormone pills and says, “What you need is super sex.” Nick replies, “Thank you wife. Is it the usual sex orgy tonight with the young ladies, the goat, the donkey and Pete, and who is playing doctors and nurses? By the way, wife, its soup with the sex fetish game tonight. Would you like the special wooden branch, the fluffy slippers or the Oxtail?” A voice rings out, “Next please!”

The Cure

Nick is at the hospital for the removal of his tonsils. In Ireland they call it a dyslexic vivisection, as the surgeon always arrives blind drunk and can’t read tonsillitis. Later, Nick is discharged and walks into a pub, that’s daily exercise for Dubliners, and he downs 15 pints of the beer that reaches parts of the body that other beers can not reach. That’s what a Dubliner calls the “cure.” When he awakes in the morning, he finds his manhood is restored! His wife says, “I don’t know what you drank last night but I had double the joy. Was it the Heineken again? You know what happened last time? Your tonsils grew into golf balls.”

An Irish Baby

How did Father Jack learn to say “drink, feck, arse” as a baby in the Maternity Hospital? Jack’s first word was “drink”, after the nurse had brought him a bottle of milk. “Feck” was Jack’s second word, after refusing the milk and asking for a bottle of Guinness.” “Arse” was Jack’s word for the wrinkled, frowning face of the ugly Midwife, after she had given him over 12 bottles of Guinness.

The Hair Of The Old Dog

Pat is at the Dart Station with his faithful dog, Maggie, and he wants to buy a ticket to Galway. Pat says to the railway clerk, “Please, can you tell me if my bitch can travel with me?” The clerk replies, “Yes, as far as you travel Second Class.” Pat says, “That’s fine, as the bitch sheds hair. What happens if she gets thirsty?” The clerk replies, “You can’t use the buffet but there is drinking water in the toilet.” Pat says, “That’s fine, I wouldn’t want her drinking anything else.What shall I do if the bitch gets too excitable?” The clerk replies, “You would need to open a window. by the way how old is the bitch?” Pat says surprisingly, “My wife is 87, too smelly for First Class, she is very hairy, she is an alcoholic and if she gets too randy I will throw her out of the train window!”

Remember Skibbereen

The Irish ballad singer, Christy Moore, is singing at The Point, Dublin, when he runs out of tunes to play. He turns to the audience and says, “Has anyone got any idea of what I should play next?” Pat shouts out, “How about Whiskey Your The Devil?” Christy replies, “Well that might upset the Catholics.” So, Pat bellows out, “Try The Old Orange Flute!” Christy shakes his head and says, “Well, that might upset the protestants.” Then, Pat loudly says, “Sing Revenge For Skibbereen!” Christy replies, “Well, that might upset our English guests but it will upset our Irish guests a Hell of a lot more if I don’t sing it to the English!”

Communication Difficulties

Nick walks into a bar in Grafton Street, Dublin and says to the barman,”Back please.” The barman looks confused and serves up a frothy pint of black Guinness. Then Nick says, “Crisp dry please”, and a glass of dry white wine appears. Finally, Nick says, “Murphy” and the barman pours out a creamy pint of Murphys. Nick is angry, “No, I ordered tobacco, a bag of crisps and Murphy.” The barman is irritated and replies,”You are taking the piss mate. I will get the manager.” Soon, the landlord walks behind the counter and Nick says,”How are you Murphy? I have bought you a pint of Guinness, and some white wine. Sorry about your usual, the tobacco, a bag of crisps and your namesake.I forgot you don’t sell them here!”” Murphy appears pleased, “That’s so kind, Nick. Now, when are you returning to teach English elocution lessons at Trinity College?”

The Liquor Store

Nick walks into a Liquor store and reads a notice behind the counter, “Have a drink while you’re waiting.”

The Cycle-Path

Nick is cycling along a path when a Guard stops him. “You do realize you’re cycling down a pedestrian path? No you don’t.” Nick replies,”Yes, I think I know that one, officer. I’m a protestant.” The policeman grumbles,”Why don’t you ride along the cycle-path? You do?” Nick stares at the guard and says,”Oh no. I don’t want to ride along crazy paving!”

The Stuttering Swede

A stuttering Swedish man walks into a pub in Dublin and orders a drink, “A-a-a-B-Br-Bra-Bra-Brandy p-p-please.” The barman pours out a glass of Brandy. The barman asks, “What is your favorite music in bars?” The Swede replies, “A-A-Ba-Ba.” The barman says, “That ABBA band is shite.” The Swede replies, “S-So-i-is-y-yo-your F-Fo-Folk-F-Fuc-Fuck music.” The barman punches the Swede in the mouth and the Swede says out aloud, “Thank you for that, my friend. That punch has cured me of my shock after driving over a CELT this morning! Same again please” Thump!

Stomach Pains

Pat is walking down O’Connell Street, Dublin and meets up with his friend Nick. Pat says, “You don’t look too well. Do you?” Nick replies, “No, I don’t.” He rubs his tummy. “I have acid in my stomach or so the doctor says.” Pat replies, “Why? You didn’t run out of Guinness again? You did?” Nick nods his head. “Were you on the bleach?”, asks Pat. “No, I was at home.” Nick continues, “I have never been to Domestos.”

The Great Irish Escape

Nick digs a tunnel out of his prison cell in Dublin, after being imprisoned for a week for failing to display a tax disc on his car. It is what the Irish call a lunatic. He appears at the end of the tunnel in a school playground. An angry Janitor shouts, “Sorry mate, the school is closed.” Nick thinks, it happens and says, “Are any of the schools in Wales open?” The Janitor replies, “Yes, they are.” Nick begins to climb back down the hole and says, “Many thanks. I will dig another tunnel to Holyhead before I’m released tomorrow.”

Taking The P***

Nick drives into a car park and says to his mate Pat that he needs a piss. Pat replies, “You will have to pay 20p to use that unisex toilet.” Nick points to a blue and white sign and says, “ No Pat, that sign says P FREE.”

Andy Pandy

Francie is in the classroom and the teacher asks, “Do any of you know who Andy Pandy is?” Francie raises his hand and says, “I know him, Miss. Andy Paddy is an Irish andyman.”

A Tissue

Francie is at school with a runny nose and the teacher asks, “What is a tissue used for?” Francie says, “When we all fall down, Miss.”

The Black English

Nick and Pat are in a Dublin bar. Pat asks, “What do you call those sheepish-looking English sitting in the corner?” Nick replies, “Ba Ba Black Sheep.”

Happy Pills

Nick is shopping at his local Spar shop and he asks a young shop assistant, “How are you feeling today?” Molly, the assistant replies, “I am very depressed because the shop is always busy with moaning old folks.” Nick says, “I know what will you cheer you up.”, and he pulls out a bottle of blue pills from his trouser packet. “Take these tablets for the rest of your life and you will feel on top of the world.” A day later, Nick was in the Spar shop again and he sees Molly dancing around the aisles and hugging everyone. Nick asks Molly, “How many of those Viagra pills did you take?” Molly smiles and says, “The whole bottle like you said, you sexy man. I took them for a lifetime of 90 years.” Nick looks concerned,” You maybe happy but I am depressed about going without sex for a lifetime!”

Sex and Drink

Impotence is when you pass a pub but can’t get aroused by the sight of a pint and Promiscuity is when you visit America and drink Canada Dry.

The Navvies

Francie is attending a history lesson at school and the teacher asks him, “Who built the canals in Ireland?” Francie thinks for a few minutes and replies, “I know Miss. The Irish Navvy except for the Royal Canal which was built by the Royal Navvy.”

Vegans

Nick is preparing the family dinner: Baked Beans on toast. Its what Nick calls Irish Cuisine, then his ten-year-old son, Francie, runs into the kitchen and says, “Dad, What’s a Vegan?” Nick replies, “Ask your Mother, He knows but don’t ask the postwoman.”

The Happiest Man In Ireland

Pat is walking up O’Connell Street, Dublin, when he spies his old friend Nick. “How is Michael these days?”, Pat says. “Oh! I have very sad news to tell you. He died last Tuesday, that was the day after he started work at the Guinness factory.”, Nick replies. “Oh Holy Mother of God that is very, very sad.”, says Pat. “How did he die?” Nick replies, “He drowned.” Pat says, “That is so very, very tragic.” Nick beams, “Oh, no he passed away as the happiest man in Ireland.” Pat asks, “Why was that?” Nick replies, “He fell into a 50 foot deep Guinness Vat.” Pat says, “But Michael was the strongest swimmer in Dublin.” “I know”, says Nick, “But he decided to have a drink before he died.”

Holy Water

The Irish believe it is a mortal sin to leave a pub at night, as they have no homes to go to and they are all anticipating a Lock-in: when the doors are locked and drinking continues to the early hours: 8 or 9 in the morning! When the Guards (Police) arrive at midnight to see if the pub is closed, they have a drink while they wait to arrest the landlord. When the priest arrives at 1 or 2 am he asks the landlord for some Holy Water. The landlord replies, “Is that the usual, Father?” and 2 pints of Guinness, a glass of Brandy and a bottle of Whiskey appears. The day a priest drinks is what the Catholics call the holiest day of the week: it starts on a Sunday, after Mass, and finishes the next Sunday, before Mass. Mass is when Catholics drink wine while their waiting for the pubs to open. Catholics drinking in pubs is where they say their prayers for the pubs not to close.

Father Jack

Father Jack is on a pub crawl around Dublin and after 21 pints of Guinness he walks into a strip joint. Jack asks the barman for “Drink, drink, drink…” The barman says, “I heard you the first time, Father.” Jack continues, “Drink, drink, drink…”, until he says “drink” 999 times! Father Jack asks again, “Girls, girls, girls…”, until he says it 999 times. Then, Jack says, “Feck, feck, feck…”, until he says that 999 times. The bar is out of business after 999 pints of Guinness, Father Jack has a heart attack and there are no virgins remaining in the whole of Dublin!

The Inaccurate Misconception

In the pub, Pat’s father Shamus is talking about Pat’s early childhood. “You were conceived when we were staying at a holiday park in North Wales. It rained all week and so we spent the time getting pissed in the caravan. Then, on the last Sunday I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, that’s what your mother, after 17 pints. We went and made love in one instant, that is from 12 midnight to 12 the next day. I was like an Italian Stallion until the condom tore; your mother didn’t try the rhythm method, as we never had sex during Irish dancing. So, you were a miracle birth, son. You looked like one of those babies that just burst into life, like in Aliens, you had sharp teeth and acid for blood, as the Midwife had run out of Guinness. She used paint stripper instead. You were our inaccurate misconception, son.” Pat in surprise says, “But Dad I was an orphan. Don’t you remember adopting me?” Pat’s father says, “I don’t, son. But I do remember the Stork dropping you down the chimney!”

A Load Of Rubbish

Pat and his best mate Nick are driving around the country when Nick says, “Can we get rid of some beer cans?” Pat stops the car and Nick says, “I can’t leave rubbish here, the sign says litter refuse-d here.” Pat replies, ” You idiot it says refuse here.” Pat drives on and parks in a lay-by, Nick takes the cans and begins to throw them at some trees. Pat says, “You can’t do that here.” Nick points to a sign ” Yes I can, it says fine for litter.”

The Sinful Nun

At an assembly of nuns in a Convent, the Mother Superior declares that a strange man had broken into one of the dormitories. Nine nuns say, “Oh, holy Mother of God.” One Nun just laughs. The Mother Superior continues, “He slept with one of you.” Nine nuns said, “Oh, Holy Mother of God.” One nun just laughs. Then the Mother Superior says, ” And the man was not using a contraceptive.” Nine nuns laughed and one nun said, “Oh, Holy Mother of God!”

The Firing Squad

Three prisoners, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced to death by a firing squad in a Turkish jail. The Englishman says, “I will be first.” The firing squad takes aim and nothing happens. The Turkish Captain says, ” It is the law of our land. You are free to go.” Next, the Scotsman says, “I am as good as the Englishman. I will go next.” He faces the firing squad and no shot rings out. The Turkish Captain says, “It is the law, you are free to go.” Finally, Paddy faces the firing squad and no shot rings out. Paddy says, “I think I know what is wrong with your guns” The Turkish Captain says, “It is the law of our land. You are free to go.” Paddy replies, “No, its no bother at all. I think I know how to fix the rifles.” Bang!

The Sex Clinic

Pat is driving through Dublin to a new sex clinic, where Nick is due to see a consultant about his impotence. Nick has gone without sex for a year but his wife has only been without intercourse for one day, thanks to the help of Nick’s best friend, “Ernie the milkman!” Pat spends four hours driving in a circle trying to locate the surgery as he cannot get off the roundabout, He is waiting for a traffic light, Nick shouts “There it is at the first exit.” Pat says, “But where is the sign for the clinic?” Nick points to a red and black circular sign, “Look it shows a limp penis with a red line through it.”, says Nick. Pat stops the car and peers at the sign. “Nick, you fool, that bent arrow means no turning back! The surgery is by that building site, where it says, “New erection coming here soon.””

The Coffin

Nick and Pat are walking out of a pub in Dublin, they call it a miracle in Ireland, when they spy a Hurst driving down the street with its rear doors open. A coffin falls out of the vehicle and sped 120 miles per hour up the hill. Nick asks Pat “What did he die of?” Pat replies, “The drink killed him.” Nick says, “Was it the Guinness?” “No”, replies Pat, “He drank 10 litres of Castrol GTX!”

The Happy Hour

Pat and Nick are killing pints in a Dublin bar, when Nick says, “Have you heard the latest news” “What’s that?”, says Pat. Nick replies, “Tupperware have moved their factory from England to Dublin because of the rise in Tupperware parties here.” “What in Heaven’s name are Tupperware parties?” asks Pat. Nick smiles and says, “It’s the name we give to the English plastic paddies who sit in the pub waiting for the Happy Hour.” Pat asks, “When is the Happy Hour?” Nick says, “Oh, when the pub is closing for the English, we Irish call it the Unholy Hour, as it is the only time when the Catholics pray for mercy: a lock-in!”

Kathmandu

Nick is strolling along the Falls Road, Belfast, when a young man, with huge muscles, wearing a Celtic shirt and tattoos on his arms stops him on the pavement. “Where do you think you are going?”, says the young lad. “To see my friend in the City centre.”, replies Nick nervously. “Are you a catholic or a protestant?” “I’m an atheist.”, declares Nick. “Is that a catholic atheist or a protestant atheist”, asks the young man. ” Neither”, replies Nick. “Do you support the Celts or Rangers?”, inquires the lad. “Neither”, replies Nick. “Where do you come from?”, inquires the young guy. Nick thought, it happens to the Irish rarely: thinking! “I’m from Kathmandu.”, says Nick. The young lad stares Nick in the eyes and says, “Is that Kathmandu in Catholic West Belfast or Kathmandu in Protestant East Belfast?” Nick replies, “Neither, and how is your Dad these days Declan?”

The Hard Shoulder

Nick is having some advanced driving lessons on the motorway. The instructor asks Nick, “What do you use the hard shoulder for?”, and he replies, “It’s what I use to break down the bedroom door, when I catch my wife with her best friend, she’s a lesbian. Sometimes its my best friend Pat with my wife. Pat is what the English call a Bi-sexual, In Ireland it is called a part-time job, something you do with your mates when you’ve finished the other job, drinking, had a skinful and the pubs are closed.”

The Virus

Nick is to seeing his doctor concerning his high temperature, persistent cough and shallow breathing. Doctor Murphy says, “It’s bad news I’m afraid, you have all the symptoms of the Corona, Covid19 virus.” Nick replies, “Sorry doctor but you are wrong there. I don’t smoke cigars and I don’t drink that wine. I prefer Guinness 1798.” The doctor continues, “We will have to take a sample from you.” Nick is dumbstruck, “Why? Don’t you believe I drink Guinness?” Doctor Murphy replies, “It is serious, Nick. Are your stools black or brown?” Nick says, “Neither, doctor. They are green!” The doctor says in surprise, “That’s impossible.” “Oh No, doctor.”, says Nick, “You are wrong again. I caught the virus from a Leprechaun after 19 pints of Guinness. Now do you believe me?”

Copyright Francis R Sturt 2020

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