Why do squirrels enjoy sunbathing? They love dry roasted nuts.

Why do squirrels enjoy swimming in the sea? They love salted nuts.

An elderly English lady is walking along a Malvern street. She spies a Mannequin in a doorway of a charity shop and reads a sign above it, “I am homeless, please do not call for an ambulance!” The lady scornfully says “Don’t be a dummy, you look bleeding terrible down there.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Nick says “Did you not know it was my birthday today?” Pat replies “I did not. Many happy returns to the pub. Did you know that your Da was at your birth?” Nick says “I did but I don’t remember my Ma being there.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat says “Did you not know that there are a lot of dossers in London?” Nick replies “I didn’t, Pat. Where are they?” Pat says “In the cemetery, of course.” Nick replies “What are they doing there. Pat?” Pat says “They’re all dead, you idiot.” Nick replies “You’re surely right there, Pat. They should take away their coffins, then the lazy bones would have to work!”

A woman walks into a Tesco store and asks the shop assistant if she has Andrex. The assistant replies “Yes, in the toiletries section.” So, the customer searches the aisle and she can’t find Andrex. She asks the shop assistant “Where is Andrex?” The assistant says “Will Aloe Vera do?” The shopper replies “No, I don’t want to wipe the dog’s arse, and how did you know my name?”

Jesus walks into a Glastonbury pub and asks for a jug of red wine. The bar manager replies “Sorry mate, we don’t serve long-haired hippies here!”

An Irish peasant steals a sheep and is sentenced to be hung. The Hangman asks “What would you enjoy before you die?” The peasant replies “A bowl of porridge oats.” The peasant gulps down his porridge and the Hangman prepares him to die. The Hangman pulls the rope. Thirty minutes pass, then an hour and the peasant is still alive. A priest says “This is surely a miracle of God. The man is a Saint, free him now!” The peasant is set free and declares “I’m no Saint. The porridge spoon got caught in my windpipe!”

The Queen is visiting a Dublin restaurant and a young Irish colleen is serving Her Majesty. The Queen asks for a decaffeinated Cafe coffee.” The waitress in shock runs like Hell into the kitchen and starts to shake and cry. The manager asks “What in Heaven’s name is wrong, Kathy?” Kathy replies in total shock “That stuck up old biddy wants to decapitate me!” The manager asks “Kathy, are you losing your head?”

Pat and Nick are walking up Grafton Street, Dublin. Pat says “We need to cross the road at the lights.” Nick replies “I can’t cross there, it’s a Pelican crossing.” Pat asks “Why in Heaven’s name not?” Nick replies “That’s for Pelicans, Pat.” Pat says “Don’t talk daft, Nick. It’s a pedestrian crossing.” Nick says “What about the Catholics?”

Pat and Nick are on a holiday park on the Isle Of Wight and Pat says “You’re looking intense.” Nick replies “How did you know that I’m a pervert?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Nick visits the toilet. An hour later Nick returns to the bar and Pat asks “You were gone a long time. Are you incontinent?” Nick replies “To be honest, Pat. I couldn’t give a shit.”

Why are the Germans in hysterics over the invasion of Ukraine? Because Putin has sent them laughing gas but being Germans they don’t get the joke.

Why do squirrels like Elephants? They love Jumbo size nuts.

Why do squirrels enjoy swinging in the jungle? They love monkey nuts!

What is a secret squirrel? A Gay squirrel who hides his nuts in Winter and won’t come out.

What do you call a Gay Irish rugby scrum? A fairy ring.

Nick walks into a bar and asks the Landlord “Have you something to perk up my sex life? I haven’t had sex for twenty-one years.” The Landlord replies “Would you prefer the Stinking Bishop’s Finger, a Pinacolada cocktail, or a Fcuk?” Nick says “Forget the sex, just give me a drink.”

Nick is at home when the phone rings. The caller says “I’m Paddy Byrne and I’m your local energy agent. Would you be interested in loft insulation?” Nick replies “How did you know that I needed a loft?”

A doctor walks up to a closed Dublin bar and knocks on the door. “Who’s there?” says the bar manager. “Dr Hugh”, replies the doctor. The manager says “Who? We don’t serve travellers who doss in a box here.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “Did you know I’ve got spies on each side of my house?” Nick replies “That’s truly awful, Pat. But, it’s worse for me, I’ve got spies on both sides of my house.”

What does one call politicians who are clowning around and scratching each other’s backs in parliament? A flea circus.

Pete is at his partner’s house and Paddy says “Thank Christ you’re here, Pete. The washing machine is flooding the kitchen. What can I do?” Pete says “Stop cock?” Paddy replies “Why? We haven’t started yet.”

Pat is visiting Dr Murphy and he says “Doctor, I am having terrible illegal fantasies and I feel so anxious and suicidally depressed. Doctor, please help me?” Dr Murphy asks “Are they about minors?” Pat replies “Yes, they are.” Dr Murphy says “You’re filthy and perverted!” Pat replies “That’s what my Mynah bird says when I come home to my wife and my younger sister.”

A Texan is buying a ticket on the London Underground and he says to the clerk “Give us a ticket to the end of the line, bud?” The clerk replies “That’ll be ten pounds to the Elephant and Castle.” The Texan asks “I saw Buckingham Castle yesterday. Can you give us a ticket to the Zoo instead?”

Admiral Nelson is dying on board his ship, the Victory, and he asks an officer “Kiss me Hardy.” The officer replies “I can’t do that, it’s perverted.” Nelson asks “Why not my dearest companion?” The officer replies “I’m saving that for the cabin boy.”

Why is the song “The Wild Rover” so popular In Northern Ireland? Because the politicians are always saying “No, Nay, Never! No more!”

How many verses are there in the Dubliner’s song “Seven Drunken Nights?” 366 for every night of an Irish year, 367 for every Irish leap year. Seven verses are about sex and drink, the rest are not about sex.

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “How is Michael these days?” Nick replies “Oh, it’s awful, truly awful. He went on a train to Mayo to commit suicide.” Pat says “Christ, did he do it?” Nick replies “No, he didn’t kill himself.” Pat says “Oh, thank God. So, he’s okay now?” Nick replies “No, the train crashed.”

Nick is visiting Dr Murphy and says “Doctor, I’m having trouble with swallowing.” Dr Murphy asks “So you can’t masticate?” Nick says “You filthy gobshite. Why would I want to do that over my corn flakes?”

Pete and Nick are in the pub and Nick asks “Would you mind if I asked you what your brothers are called?” Pete replies “No, I wouldn’t mind at all. They’re Willy, Dick and Dickon.” Nick says “How by Christ did they get those names?” Pete replies “I think it’s because my Dad is always calling them little wankers.”

Why do Turkeys enjoy Christmas? It’s the only time they get stuffed by men who love birds.

Why do cats say “Me-Ow?” Because their owners are always playing with their pussies.

How do you get a straight man to have anal sex with a gay man? Make him wear a fanny tickler.

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat says “Did you know that when I’m all alone I can drink ten times faster?” Nick replies “I wouldn’t like to be with you when you’re all alone Pat, I always drink times slower when I’m alone.”

Pat and Nick are in the pub, and Nick says “I’m going to Cuba on a holiday. How far is Cuba from Dublin?” Pat replies “Well, it’s 2000 miles away as the Eagle flies but it takes twice as long to fly by Air Lingus.” Nick says “Pat, that Lingus must be a very sick bird. Is it an ill Eagle?” Pat replies “Yes, it’s a jailbird.”

Nick is visiting Dr Murphy and he says “Doctor, I feel like a camera.” The doctor asks “Polaroid?” Nick replies “Yes, Schizophrenic.” Dr Murphy says “Take these pills and see what develops.” A week later and Nick meets Dr Murphy again, and says “Doctor, I still feel like a camera but my sex life is fantastic!”

Why do only the Catholics piss on their shoes in an Irish pub toilet? Because only the Catholics can read the sign above the urinal that says, in Irish, “While you’re reading this you’re pissing on your feet.” In the toilet cubicles, they have pictures of Lady Thatcher!

What is the difference between MI5 and MI6? One

How do Eton public schoolboys raise funds for their annual Regatta? They have a whip-round.

Why do squirrels live in Drays? To avoid the Bay leaf.

What is a well Red squirrel? Educated

What does MI5 stand for? An agent’s Mental Intelligence

A woman visits her doctor and says “I feel like a turkey who had no sex.” The doctor says “Get stuffed.”

A boy visits his doctor and complains “Doctor, I feel like an empty box.” The doctor replies “Pack it in.”

What do the Irish call a gang bang? A shoot out between men carrying fiddle cases.

A very hot woman becomes a cook and has intercourse with a baker. Now, she has a bun in her oven.

What do British gays call a gang bang? A Guy Fawk night.

What do policewomen wear under their caps? Pussies. So, they never get pregnant on duty.

What did Master Bates love most about his ship? A strong anchor with lots of seamen.

Nick meets a native Indian postman in the bar and the Indian asks “What is a two-storey bungalow?” Nick shakes his head and says “I don’t know what the first story is but I know the second story is about bungalow hide. Our bungalows hide behind trees. Where do your bungalows hide?” The Indian postman replies “Oh, behind wheelie bins.”

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are in the bar and they all bet 500 euros each on who can drink the most whiskey. The Englishman says “I will have two doubles.” The Scotsman says “Oh nay. I can do better than that, I will down four doubles.” The Irishman says “I will take three and I will win the bet.” The Scotsman replies “Oh nay. That’s less than me, Paddy. I’ve won.” The Irishman says “What makes you think that? I am having three pints of whiskey and a double Guinness as a chaser.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “I’m taking my partner today to see the new James Bond film.” Pat replies “That’s fantastic. Did you know that Pussy Galore was in James Bond?” Nick thinks, it happens, and says “So, Pussy Galore was a man then, and used the Gold finger?”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Nick says “Pat, I am starting work in behaviour mentoring, at a Dublin prison tomorrow.” Pat replies “Mentoring? I didn’t know they still tortured prisoners genitals. I preferred my fingernails being extracted as an alter-boy when I stole the priest’s wine.”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “Did you know that Sputnik is flying to Venus today? You did.” Nick replies “What in Heaven’s name is Sputnik?” Pat replies “I think it’s the Irish word for Cum Nick.”

Who was Molly Mallone? She was an old Dublin fisherman’s wife, who used to sell her fishy fanny, with crabs, to boxers with muscles and cock alls.

Why do the Irish always wank with their left hand? So, they can have an extra creamy Guinness in their right hand! Why do the British always wank with their right hand? So, they can nibble their nuts at the same time.

John is in bed having intercourse with his girlfriend, Jane. John moans “Oh, my lovely Jane, I’ve cum in your fanny. Ah, can you feel it?” Jane has an orgasm and says “Oh, John. That was beautiful. I can feel your load of load of cum in me. You had better visit the bathroom.” John replies “No Jane. I’ve already had a piss in your fanny.”

What would you expect to find in “communist” China shops? Lots of smashing and wrecking by a load of horny Bulls talking Bullocks.

How does the Irish Flagellation Society raise money? They have a whip-round. How do they spend their money? On lashings of Blue Nuns, and they don’t get pissed. It’s only a warm-up for getting drunk on the Guinness.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland? Because Joseph couldn’t find three kings, three wise men or a virgin. However, he did find 3 million shepherds wearing wellies, who were enjoying sheep dipping.

Nick is sitting on a public toilet in Dublin and a man’s head appears from under the partition. Nick shouts angrily “Who are you? You filthy pervert!” The man replies “I’m from the Security Services and I am following all your movements.”

A man walks into a pub and cannot stop laughing. The man is laughing constantly for over an hour. Pat asks the Landlord, “Why is he so happy?” The Landlord replies, “Oh, I told him the funniest joke in Ireland.” Pat inquires, “What was it?” The Landlord answers, “An Irishman walks out of a pub and into a church.”

Nick is waiting on the phone to speak to a customer adviser. A recorded message says, “Hello and welcome to the Tesco customer support service. Press 1 for sales, press 2 for returns, press 3 for technical support, press 4 for household items and press 5 for online shopping.” Twenty minutes later, the answering machine says, “Sorry this line is closed today and you have used up all of your mobile credits.”

What do the Irish worry the most about? A pub with no beer. What do the English worry the most about? A pub with no cheese and onion crisps.

Nick is speeding along the Cork to Dublin motorway, when a police car stops him. The officer asks “You do realise you were breaking the speed limit?” Nick replies “Why? You were going faster than me.” The officer passes a bag to Nick and asks him to blow into it. Nick says “How did you know it was my birthday?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Nick asks “Who is your favorite composer?” Pat replies “Oh, that’s very simple, it’s Mozart.” Nick inquires “Why that mighty head?” Pat answers “Because his music makes Alpha waves.” Nick says “Can he make Zeta waves?” Pat is curious “Why Zeta?” Nick declares “‘Cos she is the sexiest girl in my office, that I want to spank, but she never reacts to my Beta waves!”

Michael is visiting his doctor and he asks “Doctor, I am a Leprechaun with green skin, green clothes, a pipe and a tall green hat.” The doctor replies “You are insane.” Michael says “Is that two words? It’s grand to know that I am sane.” The doctor answers “You’re a chronic paranoid schizophrenic. Take these Marzipam tablets, twice a day, starting today.” Michael declares “That’s fantastic, doctor. I only have to take them for one day.” The doctor shouts “Send in the next Leprechaun!”

Pete and Michael are in a beer garden. A young lady sits opposite them and inquires “Hi, my name is Dicken. Who are you?” Pete says “I’m Pete and this is my partner Michael.” Dicken adds “What do you do?” Pete replies “I’m a writer.” Dicken inquires “Do you use swear words?” Pete declares “Not at all. It’s a mortal sin. I don’t wish to offend women” Dicken says “Then You’re a hypocrite.” Pete answers angrily “Well, fuck you, you cunt!” Dicken says “You can’t, you’re queer!”

In Britain, you can drink beer in a pub if you’re over 18 years. In Ireland you can drink beer in a bar if you’re over 5 years and can pass an IQ test: spell Old Mac Donald’s Farm: E-I-E-I-O.

What do you call an English comedian who has orange tanned skin, and spends all of his time sitting in the garden? Just a Carrot.

Mary is walking through Dublin to the biscuit factory, where she works. A car pulls up beside her and a parish priest appears. The priest inquires “Where are you going at this hour of the morning?” Mary answers “I’m going to work, Father.” The priest says “Would you like a good ride my dear?” Mary replies “Oh No, Father. I’m going to work and I’m not on the pill.”

Why do Security Service cranks spend all day in the pub, self-medicating on Whisky? It’s because it is cheaper than a Lobotomy.

An Irishman walks out of a betting office and goes home – to the pub.

Nick is downing pints in the bar with his mate Pete. He asks Pete “Where is the Milky Way?” Pete replies “Up near Uranus and a black hole.”

John and James are in a London pub. John asks “What is a chronic paranoid schizophrenic?” James replies “Why? Who told you to ask me that? Was it the Fuhrer again?”

Pat asks Nick “What are the Catholics favorite fruit?” Nick says “Granny Smith apples because they’re green.” Pat continues “And what are the Protestants favorite?” Nick answers “Orange Cox’s because they’re red.”

Why do Chinese men prefer British white women to black women? It’s because they don’t like British black pussies.

Pat and Nick are killing pints in the pub and Nick says “I’m thinking of visiting Spain.” Pat replies “My wife and I went there last Summer. The white sandy beaches are fantastic, and the plastic paddy bars are a great craic. To tell you the truth what tops it all are the Senoritas, they’re all sex-crazy when they’ve Senor Willy.”

A Turkish man walks into a Dublin pub and the Landlord asks “Where are you from?” The Turk replies “I’ve just come in a filthy, dirty place called Ank-ara.” The Landlord says “You little pervert. Is that what you were doing in my bog?” The Turk replies “I thought Peat was in your bog.” The Landlord declares “No, I keep Pete in my bedroom.”

Nick is downloading porn on his laptop and he is aware that the camera is taking pictures of him every ten minutes. Nick shouts to his partner “Hey Nancy the Security Services are watching and filming me through the computer!” Nancy replies “No, you idiot, you’re live on Big Brother TV, and when you’re done you can scrub my pair of pink knickers!”

What’s the difference between Greece and Turkey? One eats pigs and the other ‘ate Greece.

A man with a shotgun walks into a Boston bar and says to the barman “Give me all your loot dude or you’re dead.” The barman replies “No, I’m not giving you nothing, punk.” The angry gunman says “Look dude, I’ll blow your fucking head off!” The barman replies “Listen man, can you jerk me off when you’ve done the blow job? Would you like a drink while you wait?”

Michael can’t stop laughing. He decides to go to a house party. He introduces himself to all the party-goers, and is laughing non-stop. He laughs at a priest who says his name is Father Dick Cocking. Then he laughs at a couple called Mr Willy and Mrs Fanny Gotobed, and then he meets Santa Claus. He asks. “What’s your name?” Santa says “Master Bates. Ho, Ho!” Michael asks “Do you do that alone or with your old dear? Ho, Ho!”, and then Santa offers him some party punch. Michael leaves with two broken rib ticklers and a belly ache.

John and Janet are in a Tooting pub and Janet says “Oh, I can’t wait for our holiday together in sunny Afghanistan. I know the Afghans are great fans of Corrie and Eastenders. You know we can watch the soaps out there.” John replies “No Janet, you can’t. It’s the telly ban.”