An Irishman digs a tunnel and escapes from prison. He climbs out into a school playground and jumps up and down in excitement shouting “I’m free, I’m free!” A little boy walks up to the man and says “So what I’m five: free and two!”

They wear the white but they have no rights, They have no fear because their time is near. They speak no words as they’re seldom heard, They wear the white. Will they come in the night?

“What is a microwave? The tide lapping at your toes at Bognor Regis.”

Why is ginger beer good for you? Just look at the penis size of Old Jamaicans, in your junk box.

What’s the difference between a UK Fairtrade, river duck, and a Brazillian one? In the UK Fair you get to trade a duck for a cuddly bear and in Brazil you get shot.

James is late for an appointment with his GP, after driving through dense fog. The doctor asks “Why are you late?” James replies “I haven’t the foggiest.”

Why do bees collect nectar from flowers? They’re saving up for Sainsbury’s Flora.

What is the difference between being stung by a bee and a wasp? A bee will sting you while you’re eating ice cream in a car and a wasp will sting you for sitting on a double yellow line.

What do cats and naughty schoolboys have in common? They both hate cold showers.

What was “Lord Of the Flies” about? Zips.

Where is the Eifel Tower found? At any good Kid’s birthday party.

What’s trifle known for? A tummy ache, and your head down the loo.

What can you expect to receive in Tanzania? A smack on the head.

Who was the President of Zimbabwe? A Mug.

What did the Cadbury family do? Make glasses of milk.

Who lived in Knotty Ash? Ken Dodd with his little Diddle on the Fiddle men.

Why is coffee expensive in Colombia? It’s controlled by the Caffeine cartel.

Why are Tesco delivery men always smiling at your partner? Just look at what they’re hiding behind their crate of fresh cream.

What is the best bike for rainy days? A Walter Raleigh.

Where does the Sun go at night? Down the gutters.

What is the “Watercress line” known for? Steam veggies.

Why do you never see a live Badger? Anoraks are out of fashion. 

Get a TV license now – the Taliban are in your area.

What’s a pedophile ring? Something a girl gets when she marries her Dad.

Where are the Gays in Uganda? In Idi Amin’s fridge.

What is a Gay gardener? A man who enjoys sowing his seeds among the Pansies. 

Who created the first joke in the World? God.

Why do I call my neighbor “Miss Chief?” Because her real name is Sue.

Why is Irish chess more difficult than English chess? They haven’t got a King or a Queen but they have plenty of porn.

Who created God? The first comedian.

What is wrong with our King Charles? He won’t stop playing with his Willy.

“What is a microwave? Prince George waving at a tribe of Pygmies. ”

Why do cats say “Me-Ow?” It’s because they can’t say “You humans are a load of tossers!”

Rishi Sunak is canvassing around Burnley and he asks a skinhead “Please can you help me with a loo?” The man shouts “Oi, Mrs. Did you order an Indian?”

The Housing Estate in Woking is so rough that even the buses go around in pairs.

What do they call a Tortoise in Ireland? A Mobile Home

What do they call a Giant Tortoise in Ireland? A Skyscraper.

What do they call a Terrapin in Ireland? The IRA.

What is the movie, “Goodnight Mr. Tom”, about?

A man who has lost his Willy – on a train.

What was the genre of “Goodnight Mr. Tom’s” railway movie?

A Great Western. He always had his pistol (Willy) by his side

What does a Turtle do? He does nothing at all but write jokes.

What do they call a Rump of Beef in England? Too cheeky.

James asks “What do you call an Agatha Christie novel?”

John replies “It’s a mystery to me.”

What does Harry’s magic wand do? Conjure up a potty.

What does a cat of nine tails do? It gets very dizzy.

What does a girl do with Cindy? She learns to be a Lesbian.

What does a boy do with an Action Man? He learns to be Gay.

What does a boy do with a Transformer? He learns to be a Transvestite.

What does a woman notice after a sex change? Her body is inside out.

What does a woman say after she loses a Cherry? “Oh fuck!”

What airplane do The Sun readers prefer to fly on? An Easy Jet.

What plane do procrastinating pilots prefer to fly? Air Lingers.

What is wrong with the Cornish? They can’t have sex because their cream is clotted.

What’s wrong with people saying they’re Surrey born? They’re too apologetic.

Why can’t Manx cats read? They haven’t got any tails.

What’s wrong with a Council House? It’s full of councilors.

Where do Psychotherapists live? In a Counsel House.

What is the best job for a hypocrite? A Psychiatrist with an oath of words.

Why are there Tubes in London but none in Dublin? That’s because you’re not allowed to take the piss out of the Irish.

Where is Hyde’s Park? The same place as Dr. Jeckell’s Park.

Where does the London Spanking Society meet? Hyde Park, where they have a whip round..

Why do socialists give speeches on a soap-box? They like to come clean after having biological liquid in their pants.

Who were the Black and Tan? The Afro-Carribean Spanking Society.

Why are Irish comedians more miserable than the English at home? That’s because marriage is taken very seriously – the vows to abstain are taken in the pub, after a few pints.

An Irishman walks into a DIY store and asks the assistant “Hi mate, have you got 1000 bricks, a ton of cement, and a mixer?” The assistant says “Sure. Why are you building a new home?” The Irishman replies “I’m not. I’m bricking up my 12th wife.”

Where is the roughest place in London? Barking.

Where do cats that like water live in London? Catford

Why do cats Me-Owwwww? They hate having their bots on fire on a motorway.

Why are men infantile? I dunno.  I’m only free. Ask my big brother – he’s forty-free.

What is the quietest place to live in London? Gravesend.

Why do dogs bark and shit? They’ve got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

What’s a thirteen and a sixteen? Nineteen.

Where do you find Gays with diarrhea and corks up their arses? Cork City.

What are the Easter Islands known for? Hot Cross Buns.

Who lives in a big palace, in a big park, and in a big city? Big Ears.

Where does the Elizabeth Line run from and to? Elizabeth the First to the Second.

What type of policemen lurk around male toilets? PCs.

What were Judas’s last words? “Forgive me for I know not who I’ve done over.”

Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes, if he’s seen carrying a toilet roll.

What is a biker on acid? A visionary.

What is a hippy on magic mushrooms? A Sociology drop-out eating a vegan breakfast.

Nick is visiting his GP and he says “Doctor, I can’t stop wanking every day and seven days a week.” The doctor replies “So, you’re a sex addict.” Nick says “No, I’m fairly normal. I have intercourse all night, 7 nights a week.”

John is viewing new cars at a showroom and he says to the manager “Have you got something for my wife, she won’t stop nagging.” The Manager says “Mercedes?” John replies “Hit and run?”

Nick is visiting his GP and the doctor says “Great news, your Diabetes is under control and you won’t go blind.” Nick replies “That’s a relief. For a moment I thought we’d have to give up the wanking.”

John comes home from work and his wife, Jane, asks “How was your work, luv?” John says “It was great. So, I’ve decided to go it alone.” Jane says “Oh, fantastic!” John replies “Yes, I’m moving out tomorrow morning.”

Nick is visiting his GP and he says “Doctor, I am feeling weird and abnormal.” The doctor replies “Well Nick, you are speaking, listening, and looking normal.” Nick says “So, there’s nothing wrong with the penis growing out of my head?” The GP replies “Certainly not, you’re a dickhead!”

Nick is walking down Grafton Street with his Polish friend, Lech. Lech asks “Where is the nearest Lidlp store, I need a piss?” Nick replies “They are no Lidls in Dublin, and how are you spelling Lidl?” Lech replies “L-I-D-L-P.” Nick says “I told you, there is no P – in Lidl!” Lech replies “Yes, and no F-in swearing!”

Female builders like to go up and down ladders without stockings; male builders like to go up and down women’s ladders.

What type of virus can you get from PC World? A hacking cough.

Maureen asks “How’s your son, John, getting on?” Dorothy replies “Oh, bless him. He’s working 12 hours a day and 7 days a week. He’s a very hard-working lad.” Maureen asks “What does he do?” Dorothy replies “He’s a dole “cheat.” He works at the Benefits Office and plays cards all day.”

How do we know that Sir Francis Drake enjoyed sex and gardening? He use to enjoy playing with his bowls in a Hoe.

God weeps for Britain and Ireland. That’s why it’s always pissing down outside.

What do you call two gardeners having a piss in a space shuttle? Two peas in a pod.

Why does King Charles prefer sailing on the Royal Yacht – on the Serpentine? He likes a booze cruise!

“Knock, Knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Iris”        

“Iris who?”

“RSPCA.”

“Doctor, I’ve got the runs. Do you have a helpline?” “Dial – here?”

Why do Jack Russels bark “Woof! Woof?”

It’s because they come from very ruff families.

Why do comedians call MPs Ollly Ticians? They love taking the P out of them.

A squirrel says “Help! I’m in a bit of a stew.” A rabbit replies “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in a bit of a hole too!”

Nick is walking up a Dublin street when he meets his friend, Pete. Nick asks “How’s it going?” Pete replies “I’ve 2 hours to live. I’ve got a hole in my heart, holes in my lung, and I’ve got a terrible memory.” Nick says “That’s really awful. What did you say?” Pete replies “I don’t know. I’ve got a terrible memory.”

A Taximan is visiting his doctor and he says “Doctor, I think I’ve got a screw missing.” The GP replies “Would you like a screwdriver?” The Taximan says “You dirty bugger. Can you give me some whiplash too?” The GP says “In or out of the car?”

John takes his partner, Jane, to see Mystic Miracle Meg, and he says, “Have you anything that will stop my partner from talking?” Mystic Meg calls out her three sons. The lads pull down their pants and stick three stiff cocks into Jane’s mouth. Ten minutes later, John says “That’s really fantastic! She is quiet as a mouse. How on earth did you do that?” Mystic Meg says “You must be blind.” John replies, “Why? Can you do the same for me?”

James is visiting his doctor and James says “Doctor, I have a finger stuck up my arse.” The doctor asks “How did that happen?” James replies “I have Piles.” The doctor says “I know. Would you mind removing your finger now, Dr Piles?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “How is Michael these days?” Nick says “Oh, it’s really, really awful. He killed himself.” Pat asks “Oh, that’s awful. Why did he do it?” Nick says “‘He was in debt, so he had the cheapest funeral and buried himself alive!”

James is talking to his neighbour, Mildred, and he says “Did you know that a Chink has moved into number 9?” She says ” I know dear. A Burmese has just moved into number 5.” James asks “Can they speak English?” She replies “Yes, Me Ow! Purrfectly!”

Nick waits for an elevator. He reads a sign above that says “Nine persons only.” So, Nick spends two hours trying to find 8 men.

John is visiting his GP and he says “Doctor, I’ve got blood pressure of 200 over 90.” The GP says “I don’t believe you. Nurse, would you undress please?” The nurse undoes her uniform and rubs her tits in John’s face. John says “Do you believe me now?”

James and John are on a public bench and John says “Look at that guy walking past, he doesn’t work. He’s got Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia.” James says “I know a man who hasn’t got an arm, a leg, a head or a body.” John asks “What’s wrong with him?”

Liz Truss is visiting Broadmoor and she’s talking to one of the patients, who is busy gardening. Truss says “Oh, how wonderful. Your garden appears splendid. You must be highly intelligent, enlightened and gifted,. Well, I must push off but I promise to see you again next Friday.” Truss is walking up to her Limo when a brick hits her head, A man calls out “Don’t forget next Friday!” Then a brick hits the patient and Truss shouts “What was the day?”

Lady Thatcher walks into a Westminster bar and the Landlord asks “Who are you, Mrs?” Thatcher replies “I am the Iron Lady.” The Landlord says “Just in time, Luv. Would you like to start with a pair of my Y-fronts?”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “What is a sexist pig?” Nick replies “I don’t know. What sex is it?”

Tommy is at the newsagent and his Dad says “Don’t look at those play comics, Son.” Tommy replies “Why? It’s only Playboy.”

A paranoid man walks into a Chemist to collect his prescription and hears the staff laughing. The paranoid man says”You are all talking about me, I know.” The assistant replies “No, you’re not well.” She points to a sign above the counter. The man reads “Don’t bother gossiping when you leave, we’ll do plenty of that while you’re waiting!”

Tommy walks into the Principal’s study and says, “I’ve been a naughty boy, Sir.” The Principal replies, “Slipper for you, boy.” Tommy says “Sir, how did you know it is my birthday? Can I have a pair of sneakers instead?”

Two men from Kerry are in the bar, and Mick asks “You don’t like playing football, do you?” Murphy says “Oh, to be sure I do.” Mick says “But you’re in your Middle Age.” Murphy replies “How did you know I’m a Russian peasant?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “Have you kissed the Blarney Stone?” Nick says “You must be joking. Why be Jesus would I want to kiss him, when he is stoned?”

Why are Jewish bakers the richest in the World? Because they are all in – bread.

James and John are in a South London bar and James says “I’ve just got a job with MI5. I’m ready to fight and die for my country.” John says “You haven’t got any balls.” James says “I know. That’s why I got the job.”

What is an Irish anti-semite? A condom.

Nick hears a knock on the door. A man says “We’re from the council and we’re building a ten-foot wall around your property.” Nick says “No, thanks!” The man says “You’re a stuck-up bloody awkward sod!” Nick says “How did you know I love kinky sex?”

How do you get Seven cocks up a woman’s fanny? Just invite the Seven Dwarfs.

Nick is visiting Doctor Navsat and he says “Doctor, I am having sexual problems with my partner.” The GP asks “How often do you have intercourse?” Nick replies “In – frequently. Six times a night.”

An Irish trawler runs aground on a remote Atlantic island, and the boat’s Captain is met by an elderly Hermit. The Fisherman says “Good afternoon my friend. You have a nasty limp there. Would you not mind a trip to the Mainland?” The elderly Hermit asks “What is life like today on the Mainland? I have no radio or newspapers, you see.” The Captain says “Oh, the usual fighting, energy cuts and food shortages.” The Hermit says “So, we still haven’t beaten those bloody Nazis?”

Why do dogs sniff arses? So, they can find out what rascal has been eating their Pedigree Chum. Usually, it’s the French owner.

James is visiting John at his Tooting flat. James says “How is your painting?” John says “Oh, it’s awful. I’ve lost my murals.” James peers at a sketch pad and says “I can see that. What is that guy, with the giant balls, doing to that Orangutan?”

What is a Sperm Whale? A bloody big mammal that loves Humping Whales with a Free Willy

James’s sister became pregnant after she went on a blind date to West Belfast. The IRA claimed responsibility.

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Scary Doctor!

Doctor who?

Boo Hoo to you as well.

James says “Have you seen King Charles’s new coin?” John replies “Yes, but I didn’t know His Majesty is 111 years old.”

James is visiting his psychiatrist and says “Doctor, I keep hearing voices.” He replies, “Is that you, Granny?”

What is a TV addict in Ireland? A man who can’t stop wearing women’s knickers.

A little green alien walks into a mental hospital and John says “He doesn’t belong here.” James says “He does, he’s not normal.”

A Londoner, a Lancashire man, a Yorkshire man and an Irishman are all facing the firing squad. The Captain says “You can all choose one TV programme each, for all to watch before you die.” The Cockney chooses Eastenders, the Lancashire man chooses Coronation Street and the Yorkshire man chooses Emmerdale. The Irishman says “Can you shoot me first?”

An Eskimo is shopping in an Iceland store and he says to the assistant “Can you carry my bags, I’ve got a Frozen Shoulder?”

A little green man with saucer eyes and a phone walks into a mental hospital, and James says “That’s the ECT man.” John asks “How do you know he’s an alien?”

An Uxbridge man is visiting Parliament and he says to the Usher “Where is my MP? I think he’s a tosser.” The Usher replies “Here! Here!”

James says “If you knew that you would die tonight would you change?”

John replies “Yes, I’d become a Lesbian.”

What do the Gay Irish Protestants and Catholics both share in common?

They all love Danny Boy!

John answers his door to a mature lady. She says “Hello. I’m your local Conservative candidate.”John says “No thanks. I’ve already got one in my back garden.”

An electrician is on a TV game show and wins the top prize. The Compere says “Congratulations, you have won a gold transit.” The electrician replies “Why? What’s wrong with my white one?”

Nick is at his Dublin home with his Mother, and he says “Mummy, did you know that I’ve just joined the British Security Services?” She asks “How did you know that I’ve become an Islamic Fundamentalist?”

A paranoid comedian is seeing his psychiatrist and the shrink asks “Did you know you’re a Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenic?” James says “How did you know that I am Russian?”

What do you call an Irish belly dancer? Someone who can slide under a toilet door.

The Irish are the best at keeping their drink down, except of course when they’re talking to the police.

Pat and his partner, Doreen, are at home and Pat asks “I need to get to the bank. Are the roads clear?” Doreen replies “No dear, there’s a very dense, foggy dew outside.” Pat says “That’ll be the money lender, Mr Goldman, the kindest man in Ireland. Nothing to pay upfront. Pay as you go…at the Wake!”

A Tetley tea bag walks into a cinema and the manager says “Sorry, you can’t see this film, it’s for PG only.”

James and Murphy are seeing their Indian GP. James asks “Doctor, I can’t stop wanking 12 times a day.” The GP replies “Oh, deary me. I will give you castration tablets.” James says “That’s great”, and walks out. Next, Murphy walks into the room and says “Doctor, I can’t stop thinking that the English are Wankers!” The doctor replies “I know your friend just told me.”

A Rotweiller walks up to a three-legged poodle and asks “Am I dangerous?” The poodle replies “Why?” The Rotweiller replies “Because I’ve just bitten off your leg!”

Paddy walks into a bar and the bartender says “You’re looking intense tonight, Paddy. ” Paddy replies “How did you know that I live in a Wig-Wam?”

Pat and Nick are in the bar and Pat asks “How is Michael these days?” Nick replies “Oh, it’s so truly awful. He loved working with animals until a shark gave him a blow-job.”

James is visiting his psychiatrist and says “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a naughty schoolboy.” He replies “Bend over and touch your toes.”

Pat is at home and he asks his wife “Are you shopping at Tesco today?” She replies “No dear, I’m off to Lidl for veggies,” Pat says in shock “You filthy woman, you’ll not be doing that over my Brussell Sprouts!”

Seven dwarfs walk into a bar and the Landlord says “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You have to be 18!”

Nick is working as a mechanic and he is being driven home by a friend. Suddenly, the driver slams on the brakes and the car steers into a lay-by. He says. “Jesus, my dashboard has gone fecking loose.” Nick asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” The man says “You filthy gobshite. How do you know that I love anal sex.”

A priest is taking Mass and he can’t stop saying “Holy, Holy, Holy.” A nun asks “Why are you repeating “Holy” a hundred times, Father?” The priest replies “I’m counting the holes in your dress.”

Paddy is visiting his dentist for a check-up. The dentist probes his teeth and says “I’ve got some bad news for you, I have to do some root canal work.” Paddy replies “How did you know that I live in a houseboat?”

James is at his home smoking weed when there is a hard knock on the door. James asks “Who are you?” A policeman says “Hello, Hello, Hello.” James replies “I heard you the first time officer.” The policeman asks “What’s been going on ‘ere then?” James replies “Why? What’s wrong with my ear?” The officer says “Don’t get cheeky with us or I’ll take you down.” James replies “Sorry, I’m not into anal sex but my boyfriend is.”

A priest walks into a Galway bar during Halloween, and it’s packed out with Devils, Witches and Zombies. He asks the Landlord “Is this the pubic bar?” The Landlord replies “You mean the public bar, Father. You are keeping the “L” out.” The priest says “I know, my son. I want to get the Hell out of here!”

Where can you join the British Army? In any good toy shop.

A Belfast man walks into a Limerick bar and says to the bartender “Oh Christ, it’s too frigging hot today.” The bartender asks “Why? Is it always freezing where you come from?” The Belfast man says “How did you know that I live in an Igloo?”

Miss Prendergast is teaching Junior English and she asks “Francie, how do you spell the word Lottery?” Francie answers “L-O-T-T-O, Miss.”

James is at a blood donor clinic and he asks a woman next to him “Why are you here?” The woman replies “I don’t give blood, I’m just here for the tea and biscuits.” James says “So, you must be a Jehova Witness.” The woman replies “How did you know that I saw him giving blood here?”

A funeral car stops outside a Doctor’s surgery and a coffin falls out onto the road. The coffin lid opens and a man puts his head out and shouts “Is self-isolation over?” A doctor replies “Yes, Covid is well under control now.” The man in the coffin asks “Are you sure?” The doctor replies “Yes, Boris Johnson has just announced it.” The man in the coffin shouts “Oh, not that tosser still”, and he slams his coffin lid shut.

Nick walks into a Dublin bar and asks “Would you make mine a pint of Porter please?” The bartender shakes his head and replies “Sorry mate, we don’t sell booze.” So, Nick continues “Well, make it a pint of creamy milk, and I hope you don’t mind me saying so but you look a bit young to be working in a bar.” The boy asks “How did you know that I’m the Milky Bar kid?”

Pat and Nick are walking over the Wicklow mountains. Nick says “Did you not know that the government is getting tough on stray cats? You did?” Pat replies “I surely did not. How by God did you know that?” Nick replies “It says on that sign by the woods, “Trespassers will be prosecuted!””

Nick is depressed, so he decides to walk to his nearby park. He sits on a bench with his head in his hands. A stranger walks up to him and gently asks “Hey mate, are you okay?” Nick replies sadly “We’re all going to Hell because of our sins.” The stranger smiles and declares “You’re right there, mate. How did you know that my village only has a Catholic church and no pub?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat asks “How’s Pete today?” Nick replies “He’s having an ECG.” Pat says “That’s awful, truly awful for the poor man. I always thought he was a miserable bugger.”

A man walks out of a bar after downing 14 pints of Guinness and enters a church. The drunken man says “I’ve come for the mass debate.” A nun replies “Oh, that is truly shocking. You have committed a mortal sin.” The drunk says “I’m here for the come union with you.” The nun replies in shock “Oh, Holy Mother of God. that is so terrible. You’ve committed an Original sin.” The drunk says “I’ve come for the free red wine.” The nun replies “Oh, Holy Jesus. You have committed a venial sin. Are you taking the service today, Father Dickon?”

Pat and Nick are in the pub and Pat says “Did you not know that World War Three is coming to London?” Nick replies “Great, Pat. I missed the last two. Is that the one with Michael Caine in it?”

James and John are in a South London pub. James asks “Do you enjoy listening to Mozart’s Classics?” John replies “No, I prefer Debussy.” James says “Well, I prefer de Trainey.”

What is Finland known for?

Sharks!

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